FangPlace

A new letter to my Congressman regarding the payroll tax cuts

2011-12-06T18:56:00.000-06:00

I've been having a mostly one-sided letter writing exchange with my Congressman and thought I'd share my newest letter.

If any of this applies to your Congressperson or Senator, feel free to copy, past and use it. I'm sure they will appreciate hearing from you!

December 6, 2011

Representative Adam Kinzinger
Washington/Joliet

Dear Representative Kinzinger;

I didn't receive a response from you to my last letter, but that's okay. I know you've been busy protecting the wealthy. My understanding is that you would like to keep the Middle Class payroll tax cuts in place as long as it's paid for by raising the unemployment rate by canning 10% of the Federal workforce, most of whom are Middle Class. It would also help you in your claims that the Administration isn't helping create jobs, but I'm sure that was just unintentional, right? You're into the job creating thing by making the rich richer since they're created so many jobs over the last three years with their lower taxes. Can't upset that apple-cart, huh?

Of course, it's probably too much to hope for that we could see a reduction of the number of Congressmen and Senators, or lobbyists, who outnumber Congressmen and Senators twenty to one. Or, even better, how about saving money by introducing a bill that takes away life-time pensions and insurance for congressmen and senators?

Yeah, I know, that's a pipe dream of mine. I wish we all could vote ourselves pay raises like you.

Anyway, I think you should consider checking with your constituency and making sure you are truly representing our interests in this whole payroll tax thing. I think both Republicans and Democrats support not raising everyone's taxes by $1000-1500. The difference seems to be in how to fund it.

If you truly represented us, you really should canvas us, and I have a suggestion. You should Robocall the following poll:

Would you prefer extending payroll tax cuts paid for by:

a) a 3.25% tax on persons with over a one million dollar income

or

b) cutting 10% of the Federal employee workforce and freezing the income on the remaining workers.

On a related note, I've created a Kinzinger position page that I would like to run by you for accuracy sake before I start helping you spread your word to my friends and neighbors. Please have a flunky, er, assistant or someone respond and let me know if any of your positions have been misrepresented. You may appreciate the form of the questions which closely mirrors the style and technique of some political polls I've received in the past. Please keep to the yes/no answer format.

Sincerely
Norman Cowie

Congressman Kinzinger's position page

Supports extending the payroll tax cuts benefitting the Middle Class paid for by imposing a 3.25% tax on income over $1,000,000? NO

Supports extending the payroll tax cuts benefitting the Middle Class funded by putting another 200,000-plus mostly middle class Americans out of work and freezing wages of the remaining mostly middle class Federal employees. YES

Signed a pledge to special interest lobbyist (Grover Norquist) not to raise any taxes (including those solely on the wealthy) no matter what. YES

Solely for political gain, would rather crash the economy than support anything presented by the current Administration that might improve the economy. YES

Initiated job creation bills - (excluding so-called job bills that are simply tax cuts to billionaire/millionaires or trade agreements that don't protect American workers). NO

Supports jobs bill. NO

Supported the wealthy by refusing to allow their Reagan tax cuts to expire, even at the expense of America's debt rating being downgraded. YES

Supports voter suppression making it more difficult for elderly, poor and inner-city to vote. YES

Supported a one-time $500 tax on persons with over million dollar incomes to create half a million jobs . NO

Supports all Americans being covered by health care. NO

Supports subsidies to oil companies and wealthy agricultural businesses. YES

Supports helping the poor, providing a social safety net and extending unemployment. NO

Would like voters to believe jobs are lost to overregulation even when surveys show that less than 1% of employers claim to have reduced jobs as a result of regulatory effects. YES

Willing to use the debt ceiling as leverage to force cuts to Social Security and Medicaid YES

Tries to convince voters that the current debt was incurred by the current Administration, even while knowing it was incurred directly or indirectly by Congress and the previous Administration. YES

Wants to delude people into thinking Social Security adds to the National Debt. YES

Desires privatizing Social Security so Wall Street can make money on it. YES

Would rather cut social programs than cut funding to defense contractors. YES

Utilizes scare tactics against the public in order to continue funding defense. YES

Would like voters to believe higher taxes on the wealthy destroy jobs despite no evidence to support the position and clear evidence to the contrary. YES

Doesn't want voters to realize that the lower taxes of the last ten years haven't created jobs. YES

Works for wealthy and special interests rather than the middle class. YES

Willing to cut Congressional $160k government salary, tax-payer paid health benefits and pension for life? NO

Reading books for FREE, do you hear me? FREE (a word about Smashwords)

2011-12-03T22:48:00.000-06:00

Hi, all,

Today I want to talk about a cool way to read stuff... for cheap...or better, for free. It's called Smashwords. If you're a author, I probably don't need to tell you about Smashwords. But if you aren't, but like to read, you've may have never heard of it.

Smashwords is a website authors use to put their ebooks onto Kindle, Nook, Sony, Ipad, etc. But the cool thing for someone who likes to read, it's a great source for free or cheap reads.

Admittedly, some of the stuff on Smashwords is pretty bad. But I could say the same for Kindle or any book by James Patterson. But Smashwords has something Kindle and Nook doesn't. Multi-functional reader files.

If you look up an ebook on Smashwords, you can either:

read the story on-line right there,
download a pdf file to your computer
download a Kindle file (once you download to your computer, just hook up your Kindle to your computer and drag the file into your Kindle).
download an Epub (Apple iPad/iBooks, Nook, Sony Reader, Kobo, and most e-reading apps including Stanza, Aldiko, Adobe Digital Editions, others)
or just download it as a plain text

In other words, it's all there, no matter how you want to read it (well, except a bound book - sorry).

So now that I've clued you into Smashwords, here's the cool thing. Right now, I have four free short stories on Smashwords, Bonkers (caveman humor), Were (a tick gets infected by a werewolf, Mooned (two pets witness their owner transform to a werewolf) and The Really Hot Adventures of Guy (previously in the Heat of the Moment anthology).

In addition, my first book, The Adventures of Guy, is available absolutely free.

If you like to read, you really should explore Smashwords. I suggest you start off by reading Bonkers.

Last thing. If you enjoy something you read on line, do the author a favor and rate the product. It helps.

Norm
http://www.normcowie.com

A letter to, from, to and to again... my Congressman (a political post)

2011-10-12T21:53:00.004-05:00

It's time for a political blog!

(yay! clap, clap)

As many of you know, I write humor books, including some with a political emphasis (see Bonk & Hedz, my newest one), and I'm not seeing the humor right now in 9% unemployment, stagnated government, lies by corporate paid media, and government representing money instead of citizenry. I fully believe both parties are at fault, but one in particular is particularly obstructionist. I wrote to my Congressman, who is one of these obstructionists. You might enjoy his response, and my response to his response. I don't know if he will respond to my second letter, although I am hopeful.

It's pretty fun, and pretty much says what's going on out there right now.

My initial letter

VIA FACSIMILE

September 27, 2011

Congressman Adam Kinzinger

RE: Job growth and regulations and the health bill

Dear Representative Kinzinger;

I hope you’re enjoying your vacation. I live in your district and at least in theory you are my representative to the United States Congress. I was looking through your website, and I see nothing about what you personally have done to facilitate the growth of jobs.

I see you took great credit for the repeal of the 1099 bill, which as a financial executive of a 30 million dollar company I strongly applauded, but I have to question the alleged savings because these 1099 rules never went into effect. So how could this have any impact on federal spending or cutting taxes? On future spending, yes, it would have had an affect, but it didn’t affect current spending, so it’s not a reduction at all. Fuzzy math.

The thing notably absent in your website was your plan on creating jobs. I see you wagging a finger at the President for his plan, but where’s yours? You’ve been in this job for nearly two years, in a staggering economy, and what have you done to improve it? Getting rid of regulations? That won’t do it, and as far as the regulations that supposedly restrict business, see the attached* which shows the importance of regulating people who would deliberately injure people for a buck. And you can’t lower taxes on companies like GE, because, well, they didn’t pay any. Same for the others who moved jobs out of the country. And don’t get me started on subsidies to oil.

Due to your absolute lack of effort on the subject, at least get on the President’s plan which is an effort to improve things for the middle class, rather than simply sitting on the sidelines poking holes in any efforts to move us out of this mess. I watched the debates the other night, which showed the Republicans are simply out of touch with the middle class right now, witness Gov. Romney’s great plan for saving the middle class by reducing taxes on interest income, dividend income and capital gains.

Is he kidding? Interest income? Dividend income? Capital gains?

The middle class doesn’t have these things. All we want is a job, a decent salary to spend on products (which would spur the economy way more than cutting corporate taxes), a retirement with enough money to get by and our health. All things being viciously fought by special corporate interests who fund their pet politicians.

As to the health bill you would like so much to repeal, one of my daughters is working for barely minimum wage and going half time college. Because of the bill, she doesn’t have to spend $200+ a month for health insurance, which otherwise she could not afford. And you want to take that away? Shame, sir. She can’t afford your politics.

The bottom line, please jump on board the jobs program, or I will do my best to actively make sure a true representative of the middle class replaces you next time you run for office.

Sincerely,

Norman Cowie

(*See end of email string for the attachment I had sent to my letter)

Kinzinger’s response

September 28, 2011

Congress of the United States

House of Representatives

Dear Mr. Cowie:

Thank you for taking the time to contact me to share your views regarding our nation’s urgent need for job growth and creation. By hearing your thoughts and concerns on the issues, I am better able to represent you in Congress.

Right now, Washington, D.C. is the greatest barrier in the way of private sector job growth. Uncertainty and unpredictability due to the threat of higher taxes, more debt, and excessive regulation keep businesses from hiring. In order to grow our economy, we need to empower businesses, America’s real job creators.

I have supported and the House of Representatives has passed numerous bills to reduce burdens on American businesses. H.R. 872, the Reducing Regulatory Burdens Act, eliminates costly and redundant Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) requirements on farmers. H.R. 910, the Energy Prevention Tax Act, prevents the EPA from imposing back-door energy taxes that were voted down by Congress. H.R. 2587, the Protecting Jobs from Government Interference Act, prohibits the federal government from telling a company, such as Boeing, where it can and cannot create U.S. jobs. The Senate needs to take action on these and many other bills. They are just the first step to creating sustained and meaningful job growth in America.

On September 8, 2011, President Obama proposed a jobs plan to Congress that uses the same failed policies that have prolonged our nation’s economic turmoil. In 2009, the President claimed that his nearly $1 trillion stimulus package would keep unemployment below 8%. After 31 months, unemployment remains above 9% and economic growth has been minimal. The simple truth is we cannot spend and tax ourselves to prosperity. Instead of another flawed stimulus bill, which includes an estimated $467 billion dollars in permanent tax increases, America needs a comprehensive economic strategy that will support sustained economic growth for years to come.

There are elements of the President’s proposal on which we can find common ground and which should be implemented immediately. I agree that the first thing we must do its reform our corporate tax structure. American corporations face some of the highest tax rates in the world, ranging from 15 to 35 percent, and must navigate a complicated system of tax deductions and credits. Small businesses, the greatest source of new job creation, often end up paying an unfair share of corporate taxes, because large corporations have the resources and loopholes to avoid them. In this global economy, we need a competitive corporate tax rate the incentivizes businesses to keep their profits and jobs in America.

I also believe we need to pass the three pending trade agreements with Columbia, Panama, and South Korea. The National Association of Manufacturers reports that manufactured exports support 25 percent of Illinois’s manufacturing jobs with 90 percent of Illinois’s exporters being small businesses. These free trade agreements will create more jobs in Illinois and the country, yet they have been sitting on the President’s desk. The President needs to stop stalling American job growth and send these free trade agreements to Congress.

America cannot afford more of the failed economic policies of the past. We need to get Washington out of the way so small businesses are empowered to grow and create jobs. Restoring our economic prosperity is not something that can be done from Washington and with the government in the way. It’s going to come from the Main Streets of our cities and towns, and created by our nation’s greatest resource: Her people.

Please be assured that as Congress works to reduce our deficit and restore confidence in American businesses, I will keep your views in mind.

Again, thank you for contacting me. It is an honor to represent you in the U.S. House of Representatives.
Please do not hesitate to contact me if my office can be of assistance to you on any issue of importance.

Sincerely,

Adam Kinzinger

Member of Congress

P.S. For more information about my work in Congress, please visit www.kinzinger.house.gov and feel free to sign up to receive updates through my email newsletters.

My response to his response

October 6, 2011

Dear Representative Kinzinger;

I was pleasantly surprised to receive a response to my letter. While I have your ear, I’ll say I wholehearted agree with you that we need to avoid the ‘...failed economic policies of the past.’ I also agree with you that large corporations avoid the bulk of taxes. But the rest of your points demonstrate that politicians (and ex-heroes - congrats on that, by the way) live in a different world than the Middle Class.

As I alluded to in my letter, I’m a financial executive with a multi-million dollar company, and I will tell you absolutely that fair regulations don’t burden us. What does burden us is when financial companies take bailouts and then refuse to put the money back into the economy. Why is no one being prosecuted for this? Likewise, taxes aren’t the issue either. If business would pick up, we could hire more employees, make more margin, and taxes wouldn’t deter that. Create more jobs and local governments wouldn’t have to frantically scramble for cash.

Besides being a business financial executive, I write an award-winning regular business column which was nationally recognized by the National Association of Credit Management. I give speeches and seminars. I was NACM-Midwest’s Credit Executive of the Year. For more than a decade, my bio was in Who’s Who in America, Who’s Who in Finance and Industry and others. In other words, I have some idea of business.

I was always a Republican, but the party has deserted me, pushing me to the middle. The first President I ever voted for was Gerald Ford. I was an avid supporter of George Bush Sr. when he ran against Ronald Reagan in the primaries before Reagan became President. With more than a passing interest in economics, I agreed wholeheartedly with Bush when he called Reagan’s economic ideas ‘Voo-doo economics.’ I realize Reagan was a hero to you, but how can you ignore the fact that his tax cuts raised our National debt 50% in his first term and another 40% in his second? And history has shown that ‘trickle-down’ economics is a fallacy.

In fact, historically, the National Debt goes up during Republican terms and down in Democratic (with the exception of the current Democratic President paying the bills of the former tenant of the White House). I don’t know how the National Debt became the rallying call of the party that has done most to raise it, including deregulating Wall Street to the point they crashed our economy.

I like to evaluate both parties from the middle, and your ideas don’t work. On your website you lambasted the other party for ‘shut down politics?” Wasn’t that pretty hypocritical? And in your letter, you alluded to unemployment. Great point. More than a half million public employees have been laid off by Right-wing Governors on some kind of crusade to advance their own agendas including selling off public assets to benefit their backers. How is that ‘job creation’? Take these out, and unemployment is under 9%.

Raising personal taxes on the wealthy will go a long way to restoring our country. This will not hurt the economy, because these ‘job creators’ will then put more money into their businesses instead of into their pockets. The true job creators are the middle class. If they have more money in their pockets, they will pump it into the economy instead of a vacation home in Italy. So we need the jobs bill, and our representatives in Washington have to stop playing politics.

If you want to really show your support for the people, how about introducing a bill that takes away life-time pensions and insurance for congressmen and senators? Or introduce one penalizing corporations for sending jobs overseas? Or push the Attorney General to arrest the Wall Street crooks? And stop fighting health care!

Sincerely

Norman Cowie

I forgot something and sent a third letter a couple minutes later

Oct 6, 2011

Congressman Adam Kinzinger

As a post-script to my letter sent a few moments ago, as you are undoubtedly aware, sixteen of the wealthiest French citizens signed a petition asking their government to impose a special tax on them to reduce their deficit. The government responded introducing such a bill that will affect these French patriots.

Where are the American patriots?

Oh, that's right, they're hiding behind politicians

Norman Cowie

Here’s the attachment to my original letter (note: this mayor was never charged with a crime, but several officials of the Village were, and many documents implicated the mayor. Rarely did anything happen in the Village without his direct knowledge and direction)

A note to my poisoner

Someone poisoned me.

Repeatedly, secretly, deliberately, and over a twenty year period.

Worse, I know who did it, a guy named Chester Stranczek ...

...and why ...

...money.

The poison: vinyl chloride, a colorless organic gas known to cause cancer and which is unsafe at any level.

Chester Stranczek was a small town mayor... wait, I'll call him Chester, no, Chet, because though I never met the man personally, I might as well be on a first name basis with him because he personally affected my health with his slimy little plot.

Here's the story. Crestwood Illinois is a small village near Chicago. A staunch Republican, Chet became its mayor in 1969 promising low taxes, continuously posting personal, hokey political messages for the town to read on a changeable sign in front of the hall. Any money saved on spending would be refunded to the townspeople, in person, by a grinning mayor who shook their hands as they came to pick up their money. Seriously, they had to pick it up personally from the mayor in a fantastic public relations ploy.

And they loved it, and him - at least the seniors did. The village and seniors thrived, though his penny pinching ways doomed the village's children to small, barely sustained libraries, schools and play areas. But that didn't matter to Chet, because kids can't vote and don't pay taxes. Read this article someone wrote gushing about Chet. Then read on.

Yep, people loved their Republican mayor, and no one bothered to run against him at re-election time. And Chet continued to take care of the elderly with a miserly nod to the young of the town.

Anyway, Chet discovered a great new way to save money. The water the village was bringing in from Lake Michigan was a bit pricy, so why not supplement the water with water from an old well that had been closed down by the EPA due to its unsafe drinking water? Who'd notice, huh? The well had been contaminated by vinyl chloride leached into its system from an old dry-cleaning operation. I mean, sure, the water wasn't safe, but it was free. And if they noticed, so what, they were saving money, right?

So Chet started feeding this contaminated water into Crestwood's drinking water, saving the citizens hundreds of dollars in water bills. And no, he didn't tell anyone, and they trusted him, because after all, he was Chester, their wonderful mayor. This went on for twenty years.

People started getting sick. Bad stuff. Cancers, leukemia, nasty stuff. And as the numbers of people with cancer starting reaching alarming levels, the EPA took notice, investigated, and discovered Chet's little plot.

Of course, by the time they discovered this, Chet had already gone off to Florida to enjoy his retirement, having handled the reins to his son who was mayor now. So the son was run out of town, the well closed and sealed and Chet's off drinking pina coladas in Florida while I, who drank eighty cups of Crestwood contaminated coffee every day, examine my bald spot to try and determine if my hair loss is genetic or something that vinyl chloride had a hand in.

See, the moral of this story is we need the Environmental Protection Agency. I know a certain party is doing its best to convince people we don't need 'Big Government,' but for me, I need to know there's someone out there watching over the Chets of the world. The ones who will knowingly poison someone for a buck.

I don't trust corporations to take care of their own emissions. I believe the polar bears are swimming where there used to be ice. I don't trust Big Oil to drill responsibly in a a manner that won't wipe out wildlife. I don't trust politicians who take money and then vote the way they are paid. I want regulators watching Wall Street. See what happened to our economy when regulations were relaxed? We crashed. They're trying to put their greedy little paws into our retirement income now. They aren't trying to save us anything, they just want to siphon billions in fees and administrative costs off the top.

But that's another story.

In the meantime, I'll keep checking out my stool samples for signs of blood.

Oh, and Chet? Enjoy your retirement, you SOB.

Not a Dresden wannabe ... a Dresden just-as-good-as

2011-10-04T19:25:00.003-05:00

Hounded by Kevin Hearne

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Here's the thing... my favorite series ... of all ... is Jim Butcher's Dresden Files. Yes, he beats out Hitchhiker's Guide... and Lee Child's Reacher novels, Evanovich's Plum wackiness.

Dresden beat them all in my book...or, er, the books all beat them out in my book, ... er,not my books, like the ones I wrote ... but...

Never mind that.

Anyway, the problem with Dresden is Butcher can't crank them out as fast as I can read them. So what to do between Dresden books? Well, there's Child, Evanovich, Adams and all of them, but still, I start going into Dresden withdrawal.

And then I discovered Kevin Hearne's Iron Druid Chronicles.

Stop, I know what you're going to say. "iron druid," yeah, pretty bad.

But the books are awesome, like Dresden, but not like Dresden. There are so many comparisons, like snarkiness, cool special effects (well, in a book way), fun likable characters, a cool dog, sexy sidekick ...

Some people might be bugged that they are too similar, but it works for me. They are just awesome.

Get all three: Hexed, Hounded, Hammered, and whatever future book he writes!

Norm

http://www.normcowie.com

fantasy/humor author

View all my reviews

Heads You Lose book review

2011-10-02T10:53:00.002-05:00

Heads You Lose by Lisa Lutz

My rating: 3 of 5 stars

Hah, I just saw this in my 'currently reading' file at Goodreads, though I finished it months ago. So here's a belated rating (based entirely on faulty, balky, demented memory).

Here's the thing. I loved all of Lisa Lutz's Spellman books, which were as fun and wacky as anything Evanovich put out (I recommend both authors whole-heartedly and even whole-kidneyly).

But this book falls a bit short, mostly due to her partner, David Hayward, who is also Lutz's ex-boyfriend, emphasis on the 'ex.'

The story was a bit lackluster, with chunks of 'why did they say that?' (mostly from him)... but that said, I really, really recommend this book. And here's why.

Capitalizing on their 'ex' status, they alternated writing chapters, never telling the other where they were going, what they intended, and at the end of each chapter as they lobbed the WIP at the other, they would defy, demand, reparte, accost and insult the other to do a better job, or stop killing off their favorite not-yet-developed characters.

In other words, the emails back and forth at the end of each chapter were a hoot, and made the book not just worthwhile, but fun (two of the stars on my rating are entirely accountable to this).

So if you're looking for a great book, don't get this one. But if you like insults and snark, get it.

Norm

http://www.normcowie.com

View all my reviews

My letter to my Congressman

2011-09-27T08:54:00.000-05:00

I sent the following to my Congressman (with little hope of getting a response). Included with the letter was my previous post on how the mayor of a town knowingly poisoned me - and everyone else in town - by deliberately feeding vinyl chloride-infected water into the water supply.

Congressman Adam Kinzinger

RE: Job growth and regulations and the health bill

Dear Representative Kinzinger;

I hope you’re enjoying your vacation. I live in your district, and at least in theory you are my representative to the United States Congress. I was looking through your website, and I see nothing about what you personally have done to facilitate the growth of jobs.

The thing notably absent in your website was your plan on creating jobs. I see you wagging a finger at the President for his plan, but where’s yours? You’ve been in this job for nearly two years, in a staggering economy, and what have you done to improve it? Getting rid of regulations? That won’t do it, and as far as the regulations that supposedly restrict business, see the attached which shows the importance of regulating people who would deliberately injure people for a buck. And you can’t lower taxes on companies like GE, because, well, they didn’t pay any. Same for the others who moved jobs out of the country. And don’t get me started on subsidies to oil.

Is he kidding? Interest income? Dividend income? Capital gains?

The bottom line, please jump on board the jobs program, or I will do my best to actively make sure a true representative of the middle class replaces you next time you run for office.

Sincerely,

Norman Cowie

A note to my poisoner

2011-09-25T09:01:00.000-05:00

9/11 - We lost the war

2011-09-12T08:09:00.000-05:00

As I was driving into work today, listening to the aftermath of yesterday's observations and prayers for the 9/11 victims, it occurred to me that the terrorists won. They got what they wanted, well, a lot of it.

Since 9/11, we lost many of our freedoms. X-rays at airports are more invasive than ever. The government can listen to our cell phone calls, invade our privacy, intrude without warrants. We're spending billions, no, trillions on Iraq and Afghanistan, and our economy sank to Depression levels. Lobbyists and politicians latched onto 9/11 for personal gain. While the economy faltered, Halliburton got fat. Well, fatter. No, more like obese.

And gas? Well, we still need it. Why? Because lobbyists for Big Oil own the parts of our politicians not already in the pockets of pharmaceuticals and Defense. The unholy trinity of drugs, defense and Wall Street feed and prey on our weaknesses.

If it weren't for oil, we wouldn't care about the Middle East. It would just be a big desert wasteland of no importance to us. Instead our warships patrol the seas, protecting oil tankers at US taxpayer expense, while pirates terrorize unprotected American citizens just out for a vacation sail.

Gas costs over four bucks here in Chicagoland. Can someone please explain why we can build an Ipad, but we can't improve on the internal combustion engine invented over 100 years ago? Did you ever see the documentary, "Who Killed the Electric Car?"? Watch that film, which shows we had the technology to get away from gas and oil decades ago.

And why, when our economy is a shambles, does a certain segment of our political leadership absolutely refuse to cut Defense, preferring instead to cut everything important to the poor and middle class?

Why does this same political leadership refuse to let Medicaid negotiate the price of drugs, which would drastically lower the costs overall to the American taxpayer?

Bought and sold, that's why.

And while these same politicians claim they want smaller government, they used 9/11 as an excuse to create Homeland Security, the (misnamed) Patriot Act and other Federal agencies, so they could restrict our freedom, all under the guise of protecting us from terrorists.

The parts of the government they want to shrink are those parts that protect Americans. The EPA (clean air and environment, so they can pollute to their hearts' content), financial regulation (so they can take our money without government intervention). Do you know why the price of gas is over $4? It's not because of a shortage in oil. It's because of Wall Street speculators.

In other words, they want to watch us, but they don't want anyone watching them.

9/11 just gave certain special interests excuse for free rein to take away our money and our rights ... and for what?

So they can have their corporate jets, not pay taxes, pollute the world, and just not give a shit about their fellow man ... or that polar bear swimming around where there used to be ice.

The terrorists got what they wanted. A less free America, a financially crippled America, a war-weary-just-sick-of-it-all America. And our own in-house terrorists helped them along.

Norm

http://www.normcowie.com

Kiss this book goodbye...

2011-09-05T10:53:00.000-05:00

Kiss Her Goodbye by Mickey Spillane

My rating: 1 of 5 stars

Max Allan Collins ... super-author
Mike Hammer... iconic character

Mix these two fantastic ingredients, and voila... a tepid, meandering mess that couldn't carry me to page fifty.

I've loved movies based on Max Allan Collins books, I even met him in a bar at an author conference, and a few of my friends (Joe Konrath) know him, so I was excited to put my hands on this book. So much for that expectation.

Having never read a Mike Hammer book probably hurt, because if I had read earlier works then I might have understood the fawning attention other characters lavished on Hammer. But that shouldn't matter. Any book should be good enough to catch and keep your attention, be it the first book in a series, or a later book cobbled together by another, albeit superstar author. This one felt saccharine and contrived, at least through the first fifty pages.

I'm old enough now that I won't waste my time finishing a book just to see if it will turn and finally hook me 100 pages in. And as a fellow, though far less known author, I don't have the luxury of being able to write books that don't get your attention right off the bat.

So for me, time lost that I'll never recover. I won't compound my mistake by reading the rest of the book.

Norm

http://www.normcowie.com

View all my reviews

I blew out a flipflop .. so where's the damned margarita?

2011-08-23T20:50:00.000-05:00

http://amzn.to/r1TtW2

I can't tell you how many times I heard Jimmy Buffet's Margaritaville without ever appreciating the emotional, devastating angst of when he stepped on a beer tab and blew out his flipflop. I mean, it sounds funny, and I grinned picturing it.

(wait a sec...let me freshen up my wine glass ...)

*** ELEVATOR MUSIC ***

(okay, sorry, I'm back. Found some chips and salsa, too. Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah, emotional trauma)

Back to my story. So there I was, surrounded by palm trees...well, I was in LAX, not Florida... his story takes place in Florida, right. Anyway, I was trying to get an early flight back to Illinois, but couldn't. So I'm stuck in California. Yeah, I know, there are worse places than California, huh. Like maybe Waterloo, Iowa.

So get reservations at the LAX Ramada, no, Raddison... Radison? Radish? Anyway ...

(dammit, there's a fly buzzing around me. Must want my salsa. Get out of here!)

Where was I? Oh, yeah, LAX. Oh, and how come there aren't good looking stewardesses anymore? Are they all off cheerleading for XFL teams or something?

Sorry.

So I've got my reservations, and I'm tired, just want to sleep, and I head off to the bus shuttle to the hotel. Some blonde skinny pierced chick sees my yellow reservation hotel slip and she says, "hey, do you know where the shuttle.."

Before I could answer, it happened.

Yep, total flipflop blowout.

(wait a sec while I load some salsa.)

*** crunch, crunch, wine slurp ***

Damned good salsa, made with tomatoes, green peppers and onions all from my own garden. Good stuff.

Back to the story. Yeah, somehow the toe of my left flipflop caught on one of the rugs near the exit of the airport. It ripped up the cloth that went between my big toe and its second lieutenant. So the flipflop was just hanging there suspended from the loops that go over the sides of my foot.

Blonde pierced chick was looking at me, so I tried taking a step. And couldn't. That one tiny broken part of the flipflop invalidated the whole of the rest of the flipflop, making it totally unsuitable and unsuited for travel. It wasn't gonna go anywhere.

I tried walking, but it was like a horse with a broken leg. The flipflop just dangled from my foot, refusing to get back into its flipflop position. I leaned over and tried to tuck the cloth in between my toes, but no dice. Nothing. I tried to tie it around the toe, but it wasn't having it either.

Giving pierced chick an apologetic look, I headed off to find a flipflop store. And I found out there wasn't one...at least on this side of Security. And I wasn't going back through the 'let's see Norm's innards' x-ray machine. So I walked barefoot to the shuttle and went to the hotel. Once there, I knew barefoot wasn't going to cut it anymore, so I put on the flop (there was no longer any flip to it), and shambled along to the reservation desk. After signing in, I found out where the gift shop was, and shambled that way sliding my foot like a new-born zombie.

Gasping, I limped into the gift shop and said to the pregnant girl chomping gum at the counter, "Where are your flipflops?"

It was California, surely this was a given.

Sure enough, she languidly pointed to a remote corner and I shuffled over. Ah, a veritable paradise of flipflops.

All sizes.

All colors.

All uniquely crafted.

And ... all female.

And now I realize why Jimmy Buffett needed the margarita after busting his.

Norm

Hey, I have a new book out! Bonk & Hedz, caveman humor. Get it on Kindle for less than $2

http://www.amazon.com/Bonk-caveman-woman-story-ebook/dp/B00572N0W6

Nookie, and a bit of Were

2011-08-04T20:18:00.000-05:00

I've been sort of weirdly busy lately. No, not writing books. But fortunately, I'm cranking out the books at a rate I'm happy with ... two books within a year, Bonk & Hedz and WereWoof, so I don't mind the wasted time so much if it gets more of my products on the shelves. I'm up to six books now.

What's consuming me now has been getting them into salable (salable?) format. Making them available as ebooks in Kindle, Nook, Sony and anywhere else that puts it into peoples' hands.

Kindle is easy. But getting the book into Nook is harder. There's a site called Smashwords, but whipping the formatting into shape often ends up with me feeling like the whip-ee instead. But I think...maybe... I have it figured out. I successfully put WereWoof into Nook, and it seems like Bonk & Hedz and The Adventures of Guy will be on soon. At least I hope so. It seems to take a bit of time for Smashwords to appear in the Barnes & Noble's system, so I'll keep checking.

One of my test stories for Smashwords was my short story Were. It's fun and free. Check it out here
http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/70878

Political Commercial

2011-07-27T22:19:00.003-05:00

I usually don't use my blog for anything other than my book information, even though some of my books (at least my adult books) definitely skirt political issues ... usually those things that my characters find patently ridiculous about politics (which is about everything about it).

But I'm going to make an exception .. because of what's going on with the debt ceiling crisis, and more particularly, President Obama's speech the other night and Speaker of the House Boehner's infuriating response.

Some of what I say may cause people to 'unfriend' me, or whatever, but I'm willing to take that chance as long as they read what I say first.

I'm a registered Republican. The first President I voted for was Gerald Ford, a Republican. I voted for George Bush Sr. in the primaries up to when he lost to Reagan and then became his VP. I liked Bush because he called Reagan's 'trickle-down' economic ideas 'Voo-Doo Economics.' Bush was right. He served as a two term VP to Reagan and I patiently waited for him to ascend to President and go back to his pre-Reagan economic plan. He won but he didn't go back economically, and that's when the Republican Party began to desert me.

So while they journeyed right, I stayed where I was and Clinton came along and got my vote. He took the three trillion dollar plus debt that Reagan and Bush saddled us with and he balanced the budget! In fact, he left Bush Jr. with a surplus! I voted for Gore and imagine if he had won. Cleaner air, higher taxes on the rich, and we'd probably still be in great shape.

Instead, Bush gobbled the entire surplus up with his wars (don't get me started on Halliburton and Cheney) and tax cuts, and ran the National Debt higher than all of the Presidents before him ... COMBINED. With the tax cuts, the rich got richer and the Middle Class essentially vanished. The deregulations in finance led to banks going wild, playing with our money, and when they crashed they took our economy (and most of my 401k) down with them. Then we bailed them out and asked them to stimulate the economy, but they kept the money instead.

We never asked for it back, we never prosecuted anyone ... it just went into their pockets.

Now the billionaire Koch brothers (owners of conglomerates, Georgia Pacific, et. al.), stepped in because with a Democratic President and Senate, they knew that restoring the tax cuts would mean cutting into their stash of money (a note here, the 400 wealthiest Americans have as much wealth as the bottom 150,000,000 Americans).

Anyway, the Kochs knew if they control the media (Fox), and kept saying the same things over and over again, middle class Republicans would rally to them. Middle Class Republicans like catchy sayings.

On that note, here's something Rush Limbaugh said the other day. He said there's no such thing as Global Warming. He said it just feels warmer than in the old days because we have air conditioners now.

Um. Maybe we should ship a few of those air conditioners up to the polar bears swimming around in what used to be ice.

Anyway, the Koch brothers actually got a bunch of their Republican Governors together and launched a massive plan to sell/privatize government assets, strip unions of bargaining power and basically rid themselves of the Democrats, once and for all. They used their Republican-nominated Supreme Court to agree that Corporations can pay whatever they want politically under the guise of 'free speech.' And they took over the media. So while a hundred media covered a twenty person Tea Party rally in Washington, the same media totally ignored hundreds of thousands of angry Wisconsin citizens who closed down their capital. And the same media is ignoring as the right wing Wisconsin politicians are being recalled left and right.

Yes, people are finally awakening to the Corporate agenda led by the Koch Brothers and their stooges.

Anyway, I sent the following letter to my Republican Congressman today, with a copy going to Speaker Boehner. I don't expect them to respond:

Dear Representative XXXX

You are my Representative in Washington, and frankly, I don't feel very represented right now.

You and your colleagues are jeopardizing my daughters' futures, my financial future and our country's financial future with your grandiose scheme to hold our nation hostage in the interest of advancing a political cause that isn't supported by the majority of Americans.

People who know anything about history and economics know that Social Security has nothing to do with the National Debt. And anyone with a memory knows that most of the current National Debt was racked up by the wars and by the bailout made necessary by financial deregulation, rather, than as the Speaker of the House tried to say, the health bill. In fact, Mr. Boehner was conspicuously silent on the true causes of the deficit in his address to the Nation in what was a transparent attempt to shift blame.

So for Congress to use this same National Debt to risk our nation's debt standing, and on the way jeopardizing mortgage, installment, charge card and student loan interest rates is abhorrent.

If you have any plans of being a true leader, you should introduce a bill calling for all Congressmen, Senators, President and other elected national leaders to sacrifice your own government pensions and government health plans, since all of you can afford to get by without these easier than we shrinking members of the middle class can.

Anyway, for now, just raise the debt ceiling as it should have happened automatically to pay the bills Congress already incurred. Or at the very least, take Social Security off the table because it's completely unrelated to the mess at hand.

Signed,
Norm Cowie

So that's my two cents. A lot of my friends are Republicans. I don't hate them for disagreeing with me. I think though, that they disagree because they are misinformed (deliberately, I might add). They just don't realize that if they make less than $250k, their Party doesn't represent their interests. And I think it's clearer today than ever.

And what are my credentials you might ask. Fair enough. I'm a Vice President Finance of a multi-million dollar company. I've been a leader in the credit community for twenty seven years, with expertise in economics and finance. I write an award winning bi-monthly article in a credit magazine and was Credit Executive of the Year with the Chicago chapter of the National Association of Credit Management. If that's not enough, I'm a good swimmer (grin).

Feel free to copy it and send to your elected officials, or forward to your friends, or unfriend me. You have the right to do any of these, because this is, after all, America.

Formatting

2011-07-02T21:46:00.000-05:00

Writers Block?

Hah, never had it. Writing isn't difficult.

But I've been beating my head against something called 'formatting.' I'm trying to get my books all into electronic format, with varying degrees of success.

As of right now, the only one that's formatted correctly is Fang Face. And there's a reason for that ... my publisher did it. The only other one without a format issue is The Next Adventures of Guy .. mostly because my first publisher is from the cave days and doesn't offer any of their authors' books on Kindle or Nook. Which is one of the reasons I refused to renew The Adventures of Guy with them when they asked.

In the last three months I've tried putting four books on Kindle. Well, I succeeded with all four, but I don't like some of the format issues. And I've totally struck out with Smashwords, because their more ticklish system simply rejected my efforts to put in WereWoof, which would put the book in Nook and other places.

But now I'm hopeful I have the formatting issues straightened out, and to test it, I'm putting my short story, Were on Smashwords right now as a free short story ebook. As we speak, I'm moving further up Smashword's queue, and I'm crossing my fingers that when I wake up in the morning, I'll find out it was successful.

If not, I might pull out one of my remaining hairs. If it was successful, I'm going to format WereWoof, The Adventures of Guy, The Guy'd Book and Bonk & Hedz so that they all look great under both Smashwords and Kindle.

So wish me luck!

Norm

www.normcowie.com

To Publish or Not to Publish

2011-06-20T22:00:00.000-05:00

Okay, so here's something cool. I started writing Bonk & Hedz the first week of December and finished it 71 days later. Now it's just over six months from the first day I started writing and I already submitted it to Kindle and Create Space.

How different is that than when my first book came out? I signed a contract with a traditional publisher and the book hit the streets about a year later. And that publisher is so behind the times, they still don't offer their books on Kindle or B&N.

There's a revolution going on in the publishing world, led by people like Joe Konrath and Barry Eisler who champion self-publishing and spreading stuff all over the e-world.

But the publishers and agents have their own champions like Mike Cane who wrote the elegantly and delicately phrased blog titled "Joe Konrath Needs to Shut the F**k Up" (follow his link if you don't believe me). And Cane rather staunchly defends the old publishing formula.

For me, I'm keeping a foot in each world. I have had three traditionally published books, which enabled me to qualify for full (rather than associate) membership in The Mystery Writers of America and SCBWI, and, who knows, maybe my membership in Missouri's Guild had some strings attached to it.

But I'm also moving into the self-publishing world, aka 'indie publishing', whereas it's more like the wild west. There's no vetting of books. Anyone can be an author, and in less time than it took for me to get Bonk and Hedz into the current.

And some of those books are truly horrid. There's a reason publishers and agents rejected the books.

Here's why I think that doesn't matter. First of all, that's what previewing is all about. The wonderful thing about ebooks is, at least with Kindle, you can download the fist twenty or so pages before spending your hard earned buck, or, in some cases, 99 cents.

But most of the traditionally published books I've sold seem to have been because I had some kind of hand in personally promoting them. Sad, but true. My small press publishers didn't really add a whole lot to the effort. So why should someone else get a cut, adding cost to the book (my author copies, too), and being the decision makers on everything, be it pricing, publication date, distribution and cover?

For the validation? Yeah, maybe, a little. But I think I'm done being validated. I want to sell books. I want to make my books available for the public, for a reasonable amount not dictated by someone else, and I want my efforts to count.

When Bonk & Hedz is through Kindle's set-up process, it's going to carry a price tag of ninety nine cents on Kindle. I couldn't do that with my publisher. And later, if I like, I can increase the price. It's all up to me. Someone could buy Bonk & Hedz, The Adventures of Guy (originally traditionally published), The Guy'd Book and WereWoof for a total of less than three bucks, three more if they want to get Fang Face.

In other words, seven dollars would put five of my books in your Kindle. Make that six books and eight dollars when the rights to The Next Adventures of Guy revert back to me sometime in the next half a year.

So for now, the word is publish. I shall publish. And my next one is ... Bonk & Hedz.

Norm

Get my books here

The Case for Free ... or for 99 cents

2011-05-29T13:41:00.000-05:00

As some of you may know, since WereWoof came out I've been giving it away to anyone who asked for it. Free PDF's.

Why give a book away? Well, to sell more of them. In a weird, perverse, goofy kind of way, it seems to be working. WereWoof is outselling my other books this month, and is currently my highest rated book.

Weird, huh?

The ratings aren't going out of the roof or anything, but the key is if you create buzz, people will come take a look.

But it all comes down to the quality of the work. Lately, I've downloaded a few books into my Kindle to 'check out' some intriguing self-published books, and I've been largely disappointed by the works. Shoddy editing, poorly constructed phrases, awkward scenes. In other words, there's some crap out there.

So in the rush for everyone to dump their books into the e-world, we've lost some of the quality assurance that keeps the pot clean for other dishes. I recently downloaded one that the author claims was edited and re-edited, poured over by his reading book and vetted by just about everyone.

Oh yeah? Well, then all of them missed some very obvious grammatical goofs, and the dialogue was strained at best.

Does this mean ebooks suck? No, not even close, but many of them do.

But here's what I REALLY, REALLY like about ebooks. Samples. You can download a sample of a book and read it before buying it. I love samples. If I want to check on an author's stuff, but am overloaded on reading projects, I just download a sample of his/her book into my Kindle, and later, when I'm not so busy, I read the sample. If I like what I read there, I download the whole book.

So for now, my books are inexpensively priced on Kindle. A buck will buy you The Adventures of Guy, which was originally traditionally published. A buck will buy you The Guy'd Book, which wasn't. And a buck will get you WereWoof, a self-published book whose prequel was traditionally published. You can get four of my ebooks for less than six bucks combined.

I asked anyone who asked for a free copy of WereWoof to put their reviews up on Amazon. So far, three have, and though I didn't ask them for a good rating, the ratings have been four stars or better. And no, I don't know these people, so they didn't give me the hometown discount.

That's because the bottom line is the writing. Write well, entertain your readers, then worry about whether you make money.

Norm

www.normcowie.com

Excuses and stuff

2011-05-25T22:22:00.000-05:00

I gotta admit, I'm not doing much writing nowadays. I finished Bonk & Hedz a couple months ago, and then got back to my third Adventures of Guy WIP (70% done).

But I'm easily distracted, and not writing much. I think a lot of it is because I'm distracted because I'm jumping through all of the hoops necessary to get Critter #2 enrolled at UofI. And I injured my knee a couple months ago, and it's distracting.

But I will get back to it. I wrote Bonk & Hedz extremely quickly (for me) ... 71 days, so maybe some detox time is okay.

Plus I'm trying to get a handle on the new ebook world. Borders is basically insolvent, agents are dealing with a shrinking market that can't seem to grab the tail to the explosion that is ebook. Why use an agent? Why sign up with a traditional publisher who will put your book on the shelves in a year or two when you can do it yourself in a week or two?

It's a strange time. I know I released WereWoof onto Kindle just a couple months ago, and it's already rated higher than my other books. Who'd a thunk?

Anyway, right now I'm sorta playing the field, and letting everything soak in. In the meantime I'm reading a lot, posting some reviews, spending a lot of time with my family, and catching up on ebooks. June will be an absolute crazy month, with speaking engagements and book events galore. So this little breather is nice.

Norm

(news flash: three books on Kindle for less than a buck, and one for just three. that means you can buy four of my books for a grand total of six bucks. what a deal!)

The Fang reviews Anne Rice

2011-05-25T22:12:00.000-05:00

Of Love and Evil by Anne Rice

My rating: 1 of 5 stars

I've never read Anne Rice before, though, like many, I loved the Interview with the Vampire movie. Still, though, I'd never read anything.

So I plucked this book off the shelves and in two quick days, read this rather short tale.

And when I say 'short', I mean mercifully short.

What a lame story. The main character, let's call him Mr. Wimpy (though she called him Toby or Lucky or Fox or something else more tepid than anything else)... anyway, Mr. Wimpy is an ex-assassin.

Yeah, you're thinking all macho, right?

Well, no.

Mr. Wimpy apparently is an ex-assassin who in time time previous (told either in a prior book or the weak backstory in this book), realizes he is evil, repents, and Heaven's angels decide he would be the perfect person to travel through history remedying evilness everywhere.

Except Mr. Assassin is a wimp. He, in Rice's words, continuously 'weeps.' Barely a page goes by where either this tough dude isn't weeping, or the angels or weeping or a freaking demon is weeping. Once I counted three weeping sessions in two pages. He tries to fight a demon with a lute, for crying out loud. Er, I mean, weeping out loud.

What kind of assassin is this?

Frankly, if this is what Rice's books are like, I'll wait til the movie comes out.

As a fellow, albeit less known vampire writer, I'm ashamed for this book.

Norm

www.normcowie.com

View all my reviews

Reading Fish

2011-05-20T08:32:00.002-05:00

The Order of Odd-Fish by James Kennedy

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

When I told James Kennedy I'm not yet (still trying) a fan of Neil Gaiman because the books are so layered, thick with prose which slows down the pace, he said, "oh, you won't like mine, then."

Well, James wasn't right. Yes, there were long, rambling descriptions. Yes, it was a deep slow-developing plot. and no, it wasn't one of the roller-coaster mile a minute paces I enjoy. But the same things I typically don't like in a book were the things I enjoyed about this.

I loved the where-did-he-come-up-with-this ludicrousness of the story. Rich, varied, wild descriptions of funky scenes and characters. I found myself surrounded by a strange new world.

And I liked it.

It took a bit before the plot got going, but he kept me entertained and amused while I waited for the train to leave. And once on the train, it took off.

This isn't the kind of book I would write, and it's not necessarily the kind I would read, but this one worked for me.

Norm

http://www.normcowie.com

View all my reviews

The Fang reviews I KISSED A ZOMBIE AND I LIKED IT

2011-05-20T08:22:00.000-05:00

I Kissed a Zombie, and I Liked It by Adam Selzer

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I have to hurry and post my review because if you believe some people, the world is going to end tomorrow (May 21). And if that happens, perhaps we'll all wake up and be zombies ourselves.

Anyway, I enjoyed this book, despite not liking zombie books as a rule. I just don't get the whole brain-eating thing. But Selzer put together a quick, light read and I liked how he gave plausible (well, if anything zombie-related can be called plausible) explanations for why zombies stumble around groaning 'Stella'... er, 'brains.'

It wasn't particularly deep, but, you know, it doesn't need to be. My books aren't either, so I won't throw those stones.

He proves even a zombie book can be fun.

Norm

http://www.normcowie.com

View all my reviews

WereWoof review

2011-05-09T09:25:00.000-05:00

If you haven't gotten your free PDF of WereWoof yet, it means you haven't asked me for it. For a limited time, I'm giving it away. Vampire/werewolf fun.

Ginger Cook took me up on my offer and wrote a great review on her site The Bubble Wrap Chronicles.

Thanks, Ginger.

Just email me at n.cowie@comcast.net and I'll send you a free copy.

Norm

www.normcowie.com http://www.normcowie.com

2011-05-01T22:13:00.002-05:00

After the Golden Age by Carrie Vaughn

My rating: 3 of 5 stars

I love Carrie Vaughn's Kitty werewolf series, but I also know that just because I like one of an author's series, it doesn't mean I'll like that author's other books. For example, I love Jim Butcher's Dresden series, but couldn't get into his other sci-fi series. Love Evanovich's Stephanie Plum, but her other books are too sugary. Couldn't get enough Hitchhiker's Guide, but Dirk Gently isn't quite as magical.

AFTER THE GOLDEN AGE (dumb title, by the way) started pretty cool, with Celia West getting kidnapped so the bad guys can use her as a hostage to control her superhero parents. Unlike her parents, Celia has no superpowers, unless you include her powers of sarcasm (which, in my opinion, was the best thing about the book).

But then it settled down and a lot of the fun sucked out of the story. Some of the characters, particularly Captain Olympus, developed slowly or not at all.

But then it suddenly morphed into a deeper read with some unexpected twists that led all the way to an ending with some emotional punch which made it all worthwhile.

So all in all, a quick, mostly fun read. But not with the magic of her Kitty series.

Norm

http://www.normcowie.com

View all my reviews

Lost, then found

2011-05-01T20:33:00.000-05:00

I just wanted to pop onto here for a moment to discuss an aspect of human nature that's pretty cool.

Writers regularly examine emotions and people, carefully crafting a person that is not like us at all. How to do this? Imagination, empathy, awareness.

I frequently write female characters into my books, and they are tough, sensitive strong people. That's because what I see about women make me feel they are strong, not weak as many might think. When I do presentations in schools, women strength is a normal theme, and the kids love how I describe how the female lion does all of the hunting while the male sits at home watching ESPN and playing with his pretty mane.

But today's blog isn't about that. I see selfishness every day, particularly out of a certain political party, and sometimes I get down or angry when I see how some people just don't give a crap about those less fortunate than they. And I tweet angrily about how the middle class is getting decimated in the name of greed.

So basically I've been a bit surly lately.

But today I went out somewhere and lost something. It wasn't particularly expensive, but it was worth the trip back to the store to see if anyone had found it and turned it in. During my fifteen minute drive, I was contemplating where I would go to replace the item. So at least the trip wouldn't be a waste.

When I got to the store, I went to the counter and asked if anyone had turned it in.

"Why, sure, honey," the lady said. "Here it is." She reached under the counter, and sure enough, someone had turned it in.

Huh, I thought.

I hadn't expected this. I guess I'd forgotten that time my wife and I found a folded pile of twenty dollar bills in the supermarket parking lot. We discussed it, wondering how we could get it back to the right person. But I remember thinking, "this is important to someone. This could be an important piece of their weekly budget, and they might suffer without it." We returned it to the supermarket.

Yeah, I know. Did the money ever go back to the person who lost it? Did the person in charge of the Lost and Found just chuckle at how innocent we were, and chuckle evilly while slipping the bills into her pocket? I don't know. I sure hope not. What I really hope is some dejected person drove to the supermarket, on a fool's mission to see if someone would actually do the decent thing. And then the flush of joy to see that his or her money was there, just waiting for her to claim it.

I sure hope that happened.

My daughter found some money at her high school one time, and she turned it in. To our surprise, the school later sent her a letter commending her on her action. She was surprised, because she just knew it was the right thing to do.

I'm glad my kid thinks like this and I hope this is a reflection of her parents.

Anyway, to the unknown person who thoughtfully picked up my lost item and made the effort to make sure I'd get it back ...

Thanks, I needed that.

Norm

www.normcowie.com

(three ebooks for less than a buck!)

Norm's review of Slaughterhouse Five

2011-04-26T20:33:00.000-05:00

Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut

My rating: 3 of 5 stars

I gave a school presentation a week ago to a eight high school writers group, and afterward the English teacher told me how much she'd enjoyed reading my book THE ADVENTURES OF GUY. She said my humor reminded her a lot of Kurt Vonnegut.

I didn't know how to respond ... mostly because I'd never successfully read through a Vonnegut book. At the time I thought I'd only started one of his books, some book about modern day piracy, and it was okay, but I didn't see it as being all that comedic.

When I told her this, she said, "wait, you have to read one of his books." She rushed back to her room and came back with a paperback copy of Slaughterhouse Five. "I have a few of these, take it," she assured me, pushing it into my hand.

So I started reading, and after the first chapter I was shaking my head. It read a lot like a diary, and one that was barely interesting at all. I re-read the cover, and everyone enthusing what a great dark humorist Vonnegut.Not to my eyes, I thought, but I soldiered on, because, after all, a teacher had assigned this to me. But I couldn't help thinking that like most books assigned to me to read, it wouldn't get published in today's world.

But starting with the second chapter, he kicked it into another gear, and now I could see how he pricked the social conscious with a comedic sword. The dialogue was almost an afterthought, used when necessary, but didn't diminish the overall effect of the story. And when he wrote himself into the book as a very, very minor character, I thought, "genius." And, about three quarters though, I realized I'd read the book before. Weird.

The end itself, was just a bit anticlimactic - almost abrupt - but still successful in bringing the book to a satisfactory enough conclusion.

The bottom line? I enjoyed the book, saw where she could see similarities to my own work, but I'm not sure how a book like this would play out if it were written in today's highly competitive publishing world. To many agents, this might not have made it out of their slush pile.

Yeah, I know, who am I, a far less known writer, to dare say this about the mighty Vonnegut? They made a movie about this, for crying out loud. He was a god, me, not so much. Feel free to read my books and judge my writing - because as a reader I feel I can judge this.

Norm

http://www.normcowie.com

View all my reviews

Borders Boarded

2011-04-23T12:28:00.003-05:00

I didn't want to see it.

Borders... closed.

I remember meeting store manager Raeann Racine, and her agreeing to host my first ever book signing for my new book, The Adventures of Guy. She knew I had written big chunks of the book, sitting in her coffee shop, OD'ing on white chocolate mochas. She knew she could expect to see my daughter Lauren after birthday or Christmas put gift money in her hands, spending it all on her favorite Manga.

Still though, I don't think I expected much because unknown new authors can't expect much (though some don't realize this and their first signing is a shock).

Mine was a shock, for another reason. When I came in the front door of Borders, there was a picture of me on the front door that Raeann had gotten off my website. She greeted me with a smile and offered me a white chocolate mocha.

Then she took me to my books. She had locally advertised the event, and there was a table set up in the coffee-shop with a microphone, water, pens and fifty copies of The Adventures of Guy in a beautiful rack display.

I gulped.

Fifty copies takes up a lot of room.

I had passed out fliers promoting the event, but after talking with other authors I didn't expect many people to show up. And now I had fifty books sitting there, waiting for me to move them to the cash register.

About four people did show up, so the advertising had some kind of response. Some Borders employees filled out the crowd a bit more. So with less than a dozen people there, I soldiered on and spoke about my books.

All four people bought the books. But that left more than forty-five books.

Gulp again.

I couldn't leave that many unsold. I knew that, and I also didn't want to do that to Raeann. But there was no way I was going to sell anything sitting in the coffee shop.

So moved the books to the front of the store and started greeting customers as they came in, handing them my book, smiling a lot (even when they turned me down). I stayed there for six hours and sold twenty six books.

I felt awful, not realizing that twenty six books is awesome for a new author.

But I didn't know that, so I offered to come back the next week. Raeann said 'sure,' and I trundled off back home.

When I came back, a more modest display was set up, near the front. She had seen how I liked to work, and set it up the way I left it. This time I sold all but six. She seemed really pleased and had me sign the stock. Later, I saw the books in a display called, "Emerging New Authors."

She introduced me to the Orland Park store manager, and made sure to tell them how hard I work. They learned this themselves, and soon my books were in 'Staff Picks' in both locations.

I went back to Borders Matteson for many more signings. She liked me and knew I hustled to sell the books. If I asked to come out, she said yes. She liked having me there in the Christmas season and we liked to set me next to where people would wait in long lines. I would entertain the people, talk books, let older ladies sit in my author chair. I never sat.

When Fang Face came out, it was the #2 seller in their store for Christmas behind some diary written by some wimpy kid.

When I heard Matteson would be one of the first casualties of Borders' reorganization, it was like a spike had been driven into my heart. I felt like Dracula the day after. I visited Raeann and thanked her for all of her support. I will have to mention her in my next book's acknowledgements. Hopefully, she will stay in the book market.

So a month later, it was with extreme sadness that I drove out to Borders one last time. I sat in the deserted parking lot, looking at the building, reminiscing about writing, selling and reading books.

To see it one more time.

Goodbye.

And thank you.

Norm

www.normcowie.com

Norm Rates His New Kindle

2011-03-26T11:23:00.004-05:00

I'm finally the owner of a Kindle.

What took me so long, you ask? Well, I still, even after owning my Kindle for a week, prefer the tactile nature of a book. And if I spill coffee on the book, no worries, just a stain. There was nothing about the coffee-proof nature of the Kindle in its instructions.

On first blush, I was pretty happy with the slim profile of the Kindle. I thought it'd be a bit more klunky feeling. The instructions were a bit vague, but adequate.

What am I doing reading instructions? Yeah, I'm a guy, I know I broke a rule or two. But after hearing some stories of the first half hour confusion some people have when they get a Kindle decided me to go ahead and flaunt the rules.

After I actually cracked it open and started playing, here are my first impressions.

1) they make it very easy to get to the Kindle store.
2) they make it hard to find the supposed 'free books' that are supposed to be available for download (I still haven't found these and haven't 'Googled' the question.
3) the instructions aren't that great. In order to see if there was a light somewhere on the device, I had to Google the question (there isn't) since the instructions didn't say one way or the other.
4) I really ...no, REALLY like the preview option. You can search any book and download a free preview instantaneously. How cool is that?!
5) the wifi option still puzzles me. It allowed me to connect to my home's wifi, but I'm still not sure of the rules for when I'm not home. I'll have to play with this out of the house.
6) reading a PDF on the Kindle is another thing that they were unclear on . Asking the question on Google revealed that you can do it, but you either have to convert the file to something else first or send it to Kindle who will charge a fee to do it. Still a bit of a mystery, but I'm not in a hurry to do this.

Searching the books on Kindle revealed some more interesting stuff. Of course, right away I checked out my books and learned something very, well, not interesting, more like disturbing. My second book, The Next Adventures of Guy, is not on Kindle at all. Weird. So I went to my publisher's website and looked for it on ebook there. Still not available. I'm going to check my contract and see if they own the rights. If not, I'll put it on Kindle. If they do, I'm going to ask them to do it or revert the rights back to me.

My other books are there, though, including two for just 99 cents. These two were ones I did myself and I downloaded both of them using 'Word' rather than converting to the somewhat mystifying html, and they came across okay, but it convinced me to try and convert it next time. The Guy'd Book was my first attempt, and I think both the book and ebook showed my technical inexpertise (though the book is fantastic! you need to read it). With the Adventures of Guy, I didn't want to lose the PDF drawings (of a mug of beer) that accompany each chapter. I have the same issue with WereWoof (wolf howling at the moon) but I think I'll go ahead and bite the bullet and strip those off.

I also checked some of Joe Konrath's books, just to see what he does with ebook. Joe's wildly successful with Kindle, so it was intriguing to see his books and how he presents them.

I have yet, after a week, to purchase a book (because I was reading some other books at the time). So now I'm going to embark on this. There are two fellow Echelon Press authors I want to check out, Jon Gibbs and Sean Hayden. I downloaded previews of their books and I like what I'm seeing. I've decided to start with Jon's book, "Fur Face," because that's darn near what I was going to use for a title for my own upcoming book "WereWoof."

More on this later.

Norm

www.normcowie.com
Norm on Amazon

Tweeting my fool head off

2011-03-23T21:44:00.004-05:00

I think I'm mastering the art of the angry tweet, you know, those little 140 character snippets that you send to whomever wants to read fleeting bits of thought.

For me, my best tweeting comes when I'm venting, and something I vent a lot about is politics, particularly injustices caused by the greed of one particular party, though the other party definitely isn't innocent.

But as a writer, could my political rantings drive away potential customers to my books? Of course, I'm sure it could. But it's just as likely to draw readers, ones that would more likely enjoy the sarcasm and wit in my books.

Other authors freely share their political agendas, Christopher Moore, Barry Eisler come to mind, and if expressing their feelings is hurting them, it isn't evident.

A writer's philosophies and feelings on society and its problems should come out in our writing, if nothing else, to get people to think.

But there are still those naysayers who say it will hurt sales, and being so direct about it will hurt.

In my case, I think my Adventures of Guy books and Bonk & Hedz (my just completed one) are so filled with political humor it not only isn't just all right that I write about politics, but I should definitely write about politics.

I've also received a lot of encouragement from other authors who either don't dare post controversial matter, or they don't feel they can do it adequately given the 140 character limitations of Twitter. One author told me that he/she loses followers if he/she crosses over a certain line. Then urged me to keep doing my thing.

So I'm going to do exactly that: I'm going to keep tweeting, and if it's politics one night and books the other, so be it.

To mine own Bird-heart be true.

Norm

www.normcowie.com

(now with two books for 99 cents on Amazon)

Getting a Kindle

2011-03-16T20:57:00.005-05:00

Okay, I'm finally breaking down and getting a Kindle. Hey, what can I say, I'm a paper addict. Bound books are like crack to me ... no, not that kind. I get stuck in them like crumbs in a crack.

But I'm not a convert, and don't really planning full conversion until I have to. But with three, no, four books on Kindle and another I'm going to add soon, I have to know more about ebooks. What they look like, if there are differences in formatting. Books can be added to Kindle on Word, while others say it has to be converted first to html.

To be honest, I don't know how either of my publishers formatted theirs. When I put "The Guy'd Book, why we leave the seat up ... and other stuff" (get it here for just three bucks!) I simply used Word. I improved my technique when I re-released "The Adventures of Guy" (three more bucks!) after the rights reverted to me.

When I released them, Kindle sent me the book which I could review on my laptop; but I haven't yet seen it on Kindle.

So I want to see what I have out there and what it looks like, and how my stuff compares to other authors' books.

Now I don't expect to become a Kindle convert right away, and I also don't expect my readers to be heavy into ebook usage. Yeah, I know, publishers at Digital Book World recently forecast that by 2014 half of the released books will be digital. Maybe by then digital publishers will have worked out some way for libraries to purchase and lend ebooks.

But according to a recent Publishers Weekly blog, the YA market is lagging behind. Teens are technologically savvy, but they just aren't into ebooks yet. They still prefer their books in paper...

... as do I.

So Kindle-World, I'm coming.

Norm

www.normcowie.com

Book Review: Run by Blake Crouch

2011-03-13T10:52:00.004-05:00

I don't do a lot of book reviews (for exceptions, see my Goodreads page), and usually I'm out looking for reviewers for my own book - but the author asked me to consider writing one for his new book. No, I don't personally know him, so this review isn't tainted.

Here goes:

RUN is a frenetically paced chase that explodes out of the blocks like a sprinter on steroids. Within just a few pages, a mild-mannered college professor from New Mexico and his wife and children are rousted from their home by apocalyptic events and relentlessly pursued by murderous hordes though desert, mountain and forest.

I read this entire book at one sitting because I was just overwhelmed by the action, the vivid and artful descriptions of terrain, the emotional interplay between the characters as the wife and husband try and rebuild a relationship even while trying to survive.

There were a few logic points that escaped me, but I didn't have time to ponder them because Crouch swept me right past them with action, violence and suspense. There's really no part in the book where you can put it down, scratch your head and think, because the pace is fast and furious. And in the end, I didn't care that there were parts that could have been smoothed over because I enjoyed the story that much.

RUN is well worth your time. But make sure you tie your shoelaces before you start reading because you won't get another chance.

Here's its buy link at Amazon: RUN

Norm

www.normcowie.com
Norm's Amazon page link

Blesssssss

2011-03-10T19:58:00.003-06:00

I was sitting in a library the other day, and the guy a couple tables over sneezed.

Hmmmm.

Of course, as you know, this put me in a quandary. Bless him? I mean, I don't know him or anything, so why would he expect this perfect stranger to cast blessings on him?

And if I did, you know what he's supposed to do? He should thank me for my blessing.

Strangers, one offering a blessing somewhat at the pressure of society, which expects us to bless the sneezer. It's a pretty rigid formula and we are all expected to satisfy our roles.

And why are we blessing them?

There are conflicting reports on the origins. Some said it came from when the Plague was wiping out entire populations, and a sneeze was thought to precede illness, so the blessing was supposed to ward off sickness. Another school of thought was that your heart stopped during a sneeze, so blessing someone kept a demon from getting in while you were temporarily dead.

Whatever the origins, for hundreds, perhaps thousands of years, society says we have to perform this little ritual anytime anyone sneezes.

But what if the person is a satanic worshipper? What if they don't want someone to bless them? What if my blessing ruined any chance he had of achieving his goal of being possessed by a demon?

I could ruin his whole life!

So what did I do? The pressure was killing me, so of course I blessed him. and he wasn't a devil worshipper, so he thanked me.

Society was appeased.

When I got home, my cat sneezed.

What now?

Corrupted File

2011-02-15T21:56:00.003-06:00

For both of you who regularly read my blog (mom, are you there?) ... hah, just kidding, though I know more people read it on my FB feed anyway ... I finished A Caveman Story over the weekend, and now I'm into the proofing and editing before I send it somewhere to be proofed and edited.

Exciting times, as I untwist awkward phrases and cut extraneous words (I like extraneous words, so I need a fairly blunt scalpel). But it's not the most fun thing in the world because when you read the same stuff over and over, it starts to take on Captcha semblance.

So imagine my horror when I went to get into the files and found out that my latest version (saved early and often) was CORRUPTED. Word couldn't open the file. All of my edits from pages 28 to 59 were inaccessible.

Yeah, you say, that's just thirty pages. But the edits were awesome and I did not want to lose them.

I didn't get a chance to work on it again until tonight, just before I had to rush out to listen to a BookList reviewer give a presentation. So with minutes before I had to leave, I was frantically researching how to recover a corrupt file.

And during my research, what I learned gave me some hope, but not much.

But I succeeded, and I'll post these words of wisdom to anyone who might benefit.

My document was Microsoft Word. I couldn't get into it with any Microsoft versions of Word. I tried three computers, no luck. But here's what worked. I tried opening it using 'Word Pad' which is basically a generic word document. When it opened, the beginning of my manuscript was gibberish. With a sinking heard, I paged down, and voila, there it was!

The gibberish part was just the title, but after that all of the manuscript was intact. The formatting was gone, no page numbers or anything, but every single word was there.

Scared it would delete before my eyes, I right clicked and copied the pages I needed, opened a new document, pasted and saved. Then I created a new version of my whole manuscript, cut the unedited relevant pages, pasted the saved corrupted pages back where they belonged. Then it was a few seconds to format, and I was done.

Crisis averted.

I went off to my meeting with a feeling of elation, and a new insight to saving. Save early, save often, and save in multiple files.

Norm

www.normcowie.com

A Caveman Story - done!!

2011-02-13T14:26:00.003-06:00

I did it!

Woo-hoo!

I wrote an entire book in less than 100 days. Actually, I kicked 100 day's butt, because I finished "A Caveman Story: Bonk & Hedz" in just 71 days, an entire month ahead of schedule!

I started writing it on Dec 4 and finished today, February, um .. what's today.

(Googling time and date)

Got it, Feb 13. Today's February 13.

I've never had a book go so fast, and once I hit 80%, I couldn't stop writing. I wrote nearly a quarter of the book in the last week alone.

Of course, the book isn't done. Not nearly done. The story is done. My ideas exhausted, but edits remain. But edits aren't the hard part, for me. It's more like tweaking, moving awkward phrases.

This one might have more edits than usual, simply due to the speed in which I barreled through it. So in a week, you might see a less exuberant Norm, one who is a bit frustrated with his own writing. Or not. I might be done editing in a week.

Who knows?

Still though, I've never written this quickly. Six months was my best, usually more. It feels like I just finished writing WereWoof. I also interrupted ... for the second time ... my third in the Adventures of Guy. I started writing Guy and stopped to write Fang Face, then WereWoof and now A Caveman Story.

But when I'm done with cavemen, I'm getting back into Guy, which is 70% done. So I might be announcing another finished book in a few months.

Or not. Maybe I'll just promote for a bit, and keep pecking away at Guy.

I don't think I'm in a hurry, any more.

Hey, speaking of Guy, I've re-released it, improved with a new cover, some new edits, and with a short story that first appeared in the anthology THE HEAT OF THE MOMENT. To get it, here's my Amazon page

Norm

www.normcowie.com

The Return of "The Adventures of Guy"

2011-02-01T17:52:00.003-06:00

I'm just popping in to update y'all on the status of my first book, THE ADVENTURES OF GUY ... WRITTEN BY A GUY (PROBABLY). If you've been paying attention to my Tweets, you'll know my five year contract with my publisher expired on Dec 31. They offered to renew, but, well, I decided to take the rights back.

The reason I wanted it back is because of Joe Konrath's posts about putting books out yourself on Kindle. That wasn't where I wanted it to end up, because eventually I'll finish the third Adventures of Guy (70% done right now) and by then, maybe I can try to sell the three books as a trilogy. Or not. Just thinking.

But until then, my plan was to put it on Kindle on Jan 1, and keep it out there to support THE NEXT ADVENTURES OF GUY, which is still on contract with my publisher.

But my 100 day Caveman Story project got in the way. So I postponed it until the beginning of March, and kept busy with my new project.

Then I received an email from my publisher, telling me I had to remove all electronic images of the book from my website and other promotional sites. I looked through my contract for wordage that said I couldn't keep the image for historical purposes, found nothing, but they still insisted I remove the images.

This forced my hand, so I got to work, and got it done last Saturday. The whole thing, kit and kaboodle. I did the paper book through Amazon's publishing partner, Create Space, and after I review the proof copy, I'll put it on Kindle. So my plan is to still 'officially' re-release it March 1, but I think it will be available before then.

Here are some of the positives about doing it this way:

1) I can get author copies for way cheaper than through my publisher.
2) I can offer the book for reduced price (I plan on the Kindle price being three dollars, that's half what it cost through my publisher).
3) It also gives me flexibility to consider other stuff later. If one of my books 'takes off,' I can re-release it through a traditional publisher.

The negatives:

1) The perceived notion that it's self-published. Well, it is, kind of. But it was originally traditionally published. The Guy books have received incredible reviews, and they will survive comparison quality-wise and entertainment-wise with any book.
2) Unless I work out a way to use Lightning Source, they won't be easily available for bookstore signings. I'll work on that issue.

Anyway, I'm glad I took the rights back, and I'm looking forward to seeing where we go. I did this cover myself, so no one can tell me what to do with it. (So there).

Norm

www.normcowie.com

Counting Words

2011-01-27T19:38:00.003-06:00

A few people have asked me about my writing a book in 100 days thang, so I'm going to give some more details.

Now I realize some authors are more productive than I am ... though they probably work longer than I do. I actually type really fast ... I'm just not so committed to regular writing. So writing a book in 100 days is pretty good for me.

So here are the rules I'm following:

1) The goal is simply to hit my word count within 100 days.

That's it. I may or may not be done with the actual story at 100 days. Once I hit my word count, finishing the book won't take long. Then the edits and all that. If I can do the whole thing, great, if just the word count, I succeeded.

Norm

www.normcowie.com

The Hundred Day Book

2011-01-16T15:22:00.002-06:00

On December 4, I decided to write a caveman humor book called "Bonk and Hedz." It started off being really fun to write, and I found it was easy to check in every day or two to work on it. That's way different than my normal writing pace, which comes in fits and bursts of activity, punctuated by gaps (sometimes large gaps) where I just don't feel motivated to write.

But Bonk and Hedz was coming easily, and was so much fun, that I found myself on about a 1% pace per day. First it was just an idea, then a hope and now it's a goal.

Unfortunately, if I had time to write, I wouldn't want to write anything other than Bonk, so my Tweets dropped to nothing, I didn't blog, and I rarely checked up on any social site. It also postponed my plans to re-release The Adventures of Guy, where the rights were reverted back to me on December 31.

And I plan on continuing this ... so, sorry if you miss my Tweets.

But I'm very goal oriented, and I would love to finish a book in one hundred days, compared to my usual six to eight months (or more).

So if you're wondering where I've been, well, there ya go. Read my previous blog post if you want to see a preview of the book (now titled, "A Caveman Story, Bonk and Hedz), which covers such events as the invention of clothes, the first Lobbyist, discovering cooking and fire, Log Henge and other fun and wacky stuff.

Norm

www.normcowie.com

Here's the beginning of my WIP

2010-12-27T21:50:00.001-06:00

Bonk and Hedz

A caveman story

By Norm Cowie

Way after Adam and Eve, but still a long time ago.

Chapter Wheelies

“What is it?” Grog asked.

Bonk grinned. “I call it a ‘wheel.” Then he inadvertently rolled the big rock over the other caveman’s foot.

“Ow, ow, ow!” Grog yelped, jumping up and down. When the pain receded, he looked at the rock with interest. “Hey, can I buy that off you?”

Bonk blinked. He hadn’t considered selling it. He looked down at the wheel, and then back at Grog. “Well, I guess…”

“Awesome,” Grog said. He whipped out a leaf and scribbled on it with a bit of coal (they’d just discovered fire the day before – Groml, the first attorney, was still fighting for the copyright).

Grog handed the leaf to Bonk who frowned at it. “What’s this?”

Grog gave a shark grin, “It’s a check.”

“A check?”

“Yep. A check is a negotiable instrument backed by funds deposited at the bank.”

“Bank?” This was over Bonk’s head. Did it have something to do with the nearby riverbank? He trusted the river. Maybe not the crocs inside, but the river was another thing. After thirst had been invented a month previously, the river had proven to be a valuable and reliable natural resource that should stay clean, at least until the creation of BP Amoco. He scratched under his arm, releasing a foul stench, and he thought maybe he might invent bathing sometime in the near future.

“Yeah. Look, it won’t bounce.” Grog dropped the leaf on the ground. Sure enough, it didn’t bounce. “See, it’s good. I’ll just take my new wheel now.”

Grog took the wheel, and carefully rolled it down the road, which had just been invented the previous Tuesday. Tuesday itself had been invented several days before.

As Grog disappeared around the corner with the wheel which he planned to sell to Henry Ford’s earliest ancestor, Bonk looked at the scribbled marks on the leaf, wondering just how to get money out of it. Whatever money was, for that matter.

After a moment, he sighed, and clutching the check in a hirsute hand, strolled over to the riverbank, keeping a wary eye out for crocs. He stood by the clean, fresh stream (pollution had not yet been invented, nor the lobbyists who handed over buckets of money to politicians to protect industrial polluters). After a moment’s reflection, he dropped the check onto the river’s bank. As the check hit the sand, a gust of wind caught it and it quickly fluttered out of sight bouncing manically.

(much more to come www.normcowie.com)

Bathroom Habits

2010-12-12T12:16:00.004-06:00

The other day, I really had to go. Some coffee wanted back out of me, so I went to the Men's Room to go ... well, you know.

C'mon, it's a natural function. We all do it. Jeesh.

I just didn't expect to get so much help this time.

As I went to push the door, it opened on its own, nearly dumping me on the floor. "Ah, well, okay," I thought.

Then I went to that wonderful receptacle of men's urine, the urinal. Fancy name, that. Urinal. Why not peeinal? Or whizinall? Or tinkleinall?

Anyway, I digress.

I finished, and when I went to flush I saw there was no handle. Ah, one of those self-flushing ones. Cool Beans.

I backed away, and sure enough, fresh water whooshed into the urinal-peeinal-whizinall-tinkleinall. Heh.

Okay, time to wash. Note: Unlike two thirds of men, I realize that the force of, um, peeing into the urinal-peeinal-whizinall-tinkleinall causes the spray stream to break up into little pee droplets that are light enough to get swept by urinal-peeinal-whizinall-tinkleinall jet currents, blowing them onto whatever might be in the vicinity.

Namely, one's hands.

The cure? Easy, wash them off with soap and water.

Unfortunately, not everyone knows about this, or worse, they know and don't care, and wish to carry the pee droplets into the outside world and distribute them when giving high fives or shaking hands or simply handling the knob to the bathroom door.

Yeah, gross.

Many of these trolls wouldn't bother to flush either, so the makers of the bathroom fixed that nasty little habit, or lack of habit, by creating self flush.

Cool beans.

Then they try to help the trolls even more, as I found out when I tried to get some soap. As soon as my hands came near the sink, soap automatically splurted out of hidden holes near the sink basin onto my hands.

More cool beans.

So I lathered a bit and when my hands went back towards the basin, water gushed out of other hidden holes washing the soap and pee droplets off my hands.

A super abundance of cool beans.

I turned around, and there, before my eyes, was the coup de grace. A jet propulsion hand dryer. As soon as my hands approached the nozzle, a warm blast of air with the equivalent force of an F16 shot out of the nozzle, blasting my hands dry in a split second.

Stunned, I looked at my hands. Clean, dry.

Most awesome.

Now if they could only figure out a way to automatically zip up my zipper...

Norm

www.normcowie.com

(If you like this kind of stuff, get yourself to my website and download The Guy'd Book for absolutely free. Or get it on Kindle.)

For the Unpublished

2010-11-30T21:16:00.003-06:00

I guess this is for the people who have spent months, perhaps years, writing their stories. Their tomes.

Then, flush with triumph, they send it with roses and expectations to an agent or a publisher, and wait anxiously for the call confirming what they already knew, that the next great writer has been found.

But then the first rejection comes in.

Devastation.

But, gritting their teeth, the plucky authors send out another query, another submission, another hope.

Weeks later, rejection.

The writers despair, but then re-write the beginning chapter, maybe adding some action. More time is spent in the crafting of the perfect query letter.

So with new courage, the new submissions go out.

And come back, or, in some cases, don't come back, as more and more agents follow the 'only reply if interested' approach.

After dozens and dozens of these minor, though major to them, defeats, the despondent writers wonder if perhaps they aren't as good as they thought, or as their readers (friends and relatives) thought.

Some quit. Some grit their teeth and gamely soldier on, trying to get their story into the public, others move to the next project. They know that authors who are famous today knew their own defeats. Some best selling authors have their own boxes of rejections. Harry Potter was rejected by a number of publishers. How do these publishers feel today?

So today let's rejoice for the stories that never are read. The stories that are deemed unworthy by the publishing gods. And I tell you, no matter what, if you enjoy writing...

Write!

Norm

www.normcowie.com

Thanks for Health

2010-11-20T21:15:00.003-06:00

With Thanksgiving coming up, I thought I would take a quick break and tell you about a conversation I had last night.

After my swim, I was in the locker room and there was a guy in there. For some reason, politics came up, and this guy had a few things to say about health care.

Seems this guy is really, really into walking. He told me he's walked 2800 miles so far this year. He walks every day, and bought some kind of shoes where their life is guaranteed for a certain amount of time, so he gets them re-soled for free.

Anyway, he has strong views on health care. He says we should make it up to each individual person to make it their goal to get into shape. They should be rewarded by their employers for hitting certain fitness goals. He doesn't like the way overweight people or smokers drive up health care for others.

I guess he felt free to tell me about all of this, because it was obvious from my two mile swims that I'm in for health and all that.

But I told him I thought he was missing a few points. Other people who drive up health costs are those people who don't carry insurance coverage, because they're in shape and feel bullet proof. Then they can't pay the bill when they get hospitalized, and that cost is spread to everyone else. I also feel that many poor are forced to eat foods high in fat because it's all they can afford.

I also told him some people are limited by health issues they can't prevent. I have arthritis and couldn't walk more than a mile or two without great pain. Fortunately, I can and do swim. My wife couldn't walk his program either, because her back exploded some years ago ... and she was a great athlete (I've still never beat her in HORSE and her serve in volleyball was devastating).

Anyway, thought I'd take a moment and share this story.

Have a fantastic Thanksgiving, and take care of yourselves.

Norm

Exciting times ahead

2010-11-15T21:15:00.002-06:00

Recently my first publisher offered to extend the contract for The Adventures of Guy. While it was a good feeling to know they liked me enough to continue the relationship, there's a certain 'tingle' over the thoughts of owning the rights again.

Having read some of Joe Konrath's blogs regarding putting books directly to Kindle at a vastly lower price put a few thoughts in my head. I mean, sure, if everyone puts a book onto Kindle there's going to be a lot of crap out there.

But how about a book that already went through a publisher, edits, fantastic reviews? Why not put it out there myself?

A few months ago, I tested the market with The Guy'd Book (see previous post), and it's not all that hard.

So I'm going to do it. I'm going to re-release The Adventures of Guy right after the rights revert back to me. A new cover, a short story adder, and much more affordable. Just what you need during these tough times, huh?

Look for it. I'll announce more exciting changes later.

Norm

www.normcowie.com

Fun Times

2010-11-08T21:23:00.005-06:00

I've been pretty busy lately, with library & book store signings, and also I did conferences for the Illinois Library Assn, Illinois Media Assn and Lewis University author conference.

Meeting so many librarians has been an absolute fun time, but I'm coming away from it kind of surprised.

I knew Fang Face would be pretty popular, but I'm surprised at the popularity of "The Guy'd Book ... why we leave the seat up, and other stuff." It is selling at the same rate as Fang Face. And it's not that I'm not selling books. I was one of Anderson Books's top sellers at the Illinois Media Assn conference.

Don't get me wrong, it's a great book. But I guess I just didn't expect it to sell as well as it is. And here's the cool thing. You can download it for free from my website, or if you want to spend a couple bucks, you can get it on Kindle in just minutes.

Things are cool right now. I finished WereWoof and am looking for a publisher, The Adventures of Guy rights revert to me on Dec 30, and I'm better than 60% done with the third Adventures of Guy (tentatively titled SMITHEREENS).

Fun times!

Norm

www.normcowie.com

Eels and Wheels of Fun

2010-11-04T22:10:00.004-05:00

Man, it's been almost three weeks since I posted, I've barely tweeted, I missed at least three of my favorite reality shows.

Bad me, neglecting my public forums.

But it wasn't because I wasn't busy. I've been doing all kinds of stuff ... no, not playing in eels. Though that sounds gruesomely cool, doesn't it. Slimy, cold, maybe electric. Loads of fun.

Anyway, my daughter Lauren is taking an anthology class, and her instructor told everyone that they had to taste another culture by exploring Greektown or China Town in Chicago. So Lauren grabbed her favorite travel buddy ... me ... and we took off for Chicago.

Even though I've lived within forty miles of China Town for better than twenty years, I've never been there, so it was a great new experience for me (I think Lauren enjoyed it, too, but this is all about me, so let's continue on about me).

I'm not going to talk about everything we saw, but I am going to talk about one thing in particular.

The grocery store.

You see, China Town isn't just a tourist destination, it's a place where Asians live, love and die. But you can't learn about them by eating at a restaurant, or browsing through a souvenir shop, or taking pictures of the architecture.

You go where they shop for their own food.

Fortunately, there was a grocery store right in the vicinity, so with excitement, we slid into the small store, packed with tight isles with strange containers bearing strange markings, unknown dried something's freezer packed and neatly arranged in incomprehensible rows. But the coolest part was the meat area, where there were barrels of live eels, live turtles, exotic fish, and other stuff I didn't dare question

There wasn't an American thing in sight, even the newspapers were Chinese.

But it was the best way we could have experienced their culture, and I had a blast. I assume Lauren did, too, but, remember, it's about me ... and the eels.

Norm

www.normcowie.com

Review of Draculas

2010-10-12T21:16:00.004-05:00

DRACULAS
By Blake Crouch, Jack Kilborn, Jeff Strand & F. Paul Wilson

What do you get when four quick-witted, macabre-loving authors combine velociraptors, a rampant virus and Transylvania’s most famous export? You get DRACULAS, a manically-paced thriller that’s over before you realize it, leaving you gasping for air.

Spitting in the face of books glamorizing seductive, beautiful vampires who sparkle in the sun, DRACULAS begins with wealthy Mortimer Moorecook’s acquisition of an ancient skull unearthed from a field in Transylvania – apparently a human skull, except for the thirty-two shark-like teeth.

To the horror of his assistants, the mortally-ill Moorecook squeezes the jaws around his own neck, causing the razor-like fangs to bite deeply into his own flesh. He’s rushed to the hospital - but things go awry when he springs back to life on the gurney, fangs ripping his own mouth to shreds, leaving him consumed with blood rage, biting and clawing anyone in reach.

Anyone bitten in turn becomes infected and within a half an hour morphs into a raptor-like, mindless beast with an insatiable appetite for blood. Soon, the hospital is swarming with bitey Draculas.

There’s so much to love about this book, be it the snippets of humor, which are funnier because they are so unexpected (Metallica elevator music?), or Dracula clowns – a la Stephen King’s IT - making balloon animals out of intestines, or a frenetic pace befitting an episode of the hit series “24” … though without the bad acting.

Bowing to the movies that most likely helped shape their own individual writing styles, the authors paid homage to TERMINATOR, TRON, DOGS OF WAR, MAGNIFICENT SEVEN, MAGNUM FORCE, ALIENS, BLADE II, not to mention the Dracula’s uncanny resemblance to JURASSIC PARK’s most lovable raptors.

Though the authors’ voices mixed with the smoothness of a mens’ choir, you could almost taste the competition, with the four spurring each other to heights that might not have achieved individually, likely because each of the authors took stewardship of individual characters.

As a writer and reader of humor books, I’m not a big fan of horror as a rule, but the unrelenting pace of this book left me little time to soak in the horror of certain sections. Before I could reflect on the gruesomeness of a Dracula consuming his own flesh, the authors would shove me down another precipice of heart-stopping action. It was much like riding a rock and roll rollercoaster in a tunnel filled with music and strobe lights, thrilling and scary as hell …then it’s over before you know it.

This book thoroughly entertained, and I ripped through it like a squirrel in a birdfeeder. And not to be missed are the bonus sections, with an alternate ending, short stories by each of the authors and hilarious back and forth repartee by the authors as they illuminate how they constructed the story from beginning to end.

When you read this, do yourself a favor and give yourself time to read it in one sitting.

Here’s the buy-link.

Norm Cowie

Author of FANG FACE, as if being a teenager doesn’t suck enough
www.fangplace.blogspot.com
www.normcowie.com

Looking Good at Lake Michigan

2010-10-03T19:07:00.003-05:00

After a very busy year speaking at schools, libraries and Girl/Boy Scouts, there was a bit of a lull for me over July and August. But I'm busy again, especially over the last week.

Last weekend, I was at KidLit in Princeton, Il. with authors Richard Peck, James Kennedy and others. They closed down the whole town square, and brought in fire trucks, storytellers and other people to entice young'uns to read and have fun.

Tuesday night brought me to Navy Pier in Chicago for the Illinois Library Association meet and greet with Illinois authors. I ran into James Kennedy again, but I'd rather have my pic taken with nice looking ladies (see above).

Saturday was the National Lewis University joint venture with the Society of Childrens Book Writers and Illustrators. Twenty authors set up shop, and got a chance to offer our speaking services to teachers and librarians. Of course, James Kennedy was there again (is he following me?).

Anyway, I met a lot of librarians and teachers, and had a great time. Next up, I give a seminar at National Association of Credit Management's fall conference. I will probably do an awesome job. Heh.

One interesting thing is happening. If you'll recall, I released THE GUY'D BOOK, WHY WE LEAVE THE SEAT UP ...AND OTHER STUFF on Kindle back in March, and put the entire book up free as PDF on my website. Well, a couple months ago, I went through Create Space and now I have the actual book. The weird thing is people really seem to be getting into it and I'm selling as many as just about any other book.

If you want to check it out, remember, you can download your own copy for free from www.normcowie.com

Norm

Powertrain? What's that?

2010-09-18T22:07:00.004-05:00

Sometimes I think everyone knows things I don't.

Case in point. We bought a new ... well, a used ... car for my daughter a few months ago. Then this week we received a letter from Chrysler telling us that as the second owner of the car, we did not purchase the original powertrain limited warranty that came with the car. But good news, if we forked over $125 to the nearest Chrysler dealer, we could have the warranty.

What a stroke of luck!

But I have a deep secret I have to admit. I have no idea just what a powertrain warranty is.

Yeah, I know. I'm a guy, this kind of knowledge is supposed to just soak into my head while watching ESPN. Fixing cars, wielding strange tools with unknown purposes .. all this guy stuff that I should understand.

But I don't. I know everyone else does, because every car commercial brags about the limited powertrain warranty. Smart, normal guys just nod their heads and go, 'awesome, a limited powertrain warranty. I have to get myself one of those."

Not me. I don't have a clue. And what's this limited stuff? I want an unlimited powertrain warranty. I want my train to have the full power, all the time. None of that limited stuff.

I miss the boat on other stuff, too. Like a 'Three G" network. All of a sudden everyone wanted one. I didn't, because I didn't know what it was. And triple hops brewed beer. If you didn't have triple hops brewed beer, what did you have? Wine? And what does hopping do for your beer? It seems to me if you jump around with your beer, it's gonna explode in a gusher of foam once you open it.

Strange stuff.

Norm

(if you like this kind of thing, you can download The Guy'd Book for FREE from my website www.normcowie.com)

Gutter Wars

2010-08-27T20:48:00.005-05:00

Most of my neighbors know I'm a humor writer, so they aren't always surprised if they see me doing something goofy.

Case in point. Last weekend, I discovered a large nest of wasps in a seam in the gutter right over the walk to the front door.

Now usually wasps and I have a strict non-confrontational policy. They leave me alone - and I kill them any chance I get.

(seriously, do they fulfill any worthwhile function in the world?)

So there they were minding their own business - whatever that might be - and I'm plotting wasp-murder. Bwah, ha, ha.

Now you're supposed to wait until night to kill wasps, so you get them while they're in their nest watching reality TV. So I waited ... a couple of minutes. Then I found my wasp killer stuff - but neglected to read the label. If I had read the label, I'd have been kicked out of the Guy-Club .. but I would also have read that this particular spray kills ants, flies and other stuff.

As far as wasps, it just gets them mad ... and wet.

However, the spray had a nice stream function, so I was able to shoot them safely from the ground. Meanwhile, they were like angry hornets, or wasps. (I know this because I looked them up on the Internet later).

I figured out the spray wasn't working when I noticed them lining up with their mouths open and catching the so-called poison in their mouths, and swallowing it with satisfaction.

Time to get serious.

But what to kill them with?

My wife solved this. She got on the Internet (the same one that told me they were wasps) and she found you can mix detergent with water and the resultant mixture will kill wasps.

Okay, but do they mean laundry detergent or dishwashing detergent? It didn't say. We tried the laundry detergent first, and I went outside and thoroughly rinsed those suckers with a potent mix of Tide and water.

The wasps loved it, and not only was their thirst slaked, but now they smelled like fresh, clean cotton shirts.

Fine, time for dish washing detergent.

Five minutes later, I was dousing them with lemon-flavored Joy, and...

... it worked.

A splurt of the stuff would hit a wasp in mid-air, and it would buzz angrily and fly out of reach. But it wasn't killing them. It was deterring them. I wanted more. I wanted wasp death!

I got a ladder (right now, you're going 'uh, oh') and I climbed up to the nest. I soaked that baby while angry wasps watched from a nearby tree. Then I climbed down and settled down to watch.

After a bit, some wasps came to check out the damage to their home, and after consulting with their little homeowner wasp policies, they really got ticked off. But here's the cool thing ... they couldn't get into the nest. They could get close, but it was like a force field kept them a few inches away. The soap mixture was working.

But that was a problem. Now they can't land in the nest, how am I going to kill them so they won't build a new condo on House Cowie?

I needed something ... something better than a flyswatter, which is more for close in action.

Let me see.

I went into the basement and looked for wasp killers. And I found what I wanted, in the Sporting Goods section.

A tennis racquet.

Cars driving by my house were treated by the sight of one Norm Cowie jumping and wildly swinging a tennis racquet at a swarm of wasps buzzing around his gutter.

After a bit, my wife came out to enjoy the show, and my daughter made popcorn. Meanwhile, I was hitting wasp spin shots, cutting them in half, swatting them into oblivion. Half an hour later, the carnage was done, broken dead wasps were littered on the driveway, and I was nursing tennis elbow.

Wasps are dangerous. Don't try this at your home. Make sure you use a professional humor writer whenever dealing with wasps.

Hey, if you're in the North suburbs of Chicago, I'll be signing Fang Face at Borders Books at 909 N. Elmhurst Rd in Mt. Prospect from 2:00 til whenever. Come out and buy me a coffee.

Norm

www.normcowie.com

Updates and all that

2010-08-10T11:12:00.006-05:00

I'm just popping in to update a few of the things going on.

First, I interviewed best-selling author Lisa Lutz on my Pop Syndicate blog (see her new book above). Here's the link if you want to read it. Her books are absolutely hilarious.

Also, Angela Wilson, who first got me into writing a column for Pop Syndicate has left, and gave me an awesome send off on her new blog. You can read it here.

My new book The Guy'd Book is now for sale on my website, and it's available on Amazon. Here's my website and here's my Amazon site.

That's it for now. My sister was in from out of town, and I just got her off to the airport. I'm really tired.

Norm

www.normcowie.com

Count Fish-sticksula

2010-07-24T11:49:00.002-05:00

I just have to pop in with this cool little tidbit. Check out the Dracula minnor (Danionella dracula) from Myanmar.

The males use the fangs to spar. The females, alas, have no fang.

This was too cool to ignore.

Norm

www.normcowie.com

The Candy Thief

2010-07-22T01:40:00.000-05:00

Candy made me a thief.

Seriously.

I must have been seven or eight. I was in a Ben Franklin Five and Dime ... Why, I don't know, I didn't have any money.

And then my eyes spied it.

A York Peppermint Pattie.

Dark chocolately goodness melted around a gooey peppermint center.

Nirvana!

But my pockets were empty.

Well, not empty. I had my lucky rock ... not worth money... not that I would have bartered it anyway. I had my pet pillbug (tied to a string) and probably some other small trinkets I picked up off the ground, but valued like rare jewels.

The York Peppermint Pattie whispered my name.

"Norm. Noorrrmmmmm.... Eat me!"

"But, Pattie," I replied. "I don't have any money."

"No one's looking. Just take me!"

"I couldn't do that. That's stealing!"

"But I'm yours. I belong to you. You would just be taking what is yours."

The sugary voice was just so compelling. So I did it. With Pattie keeping watch for me, I reached out, put my trembling sugar-anticipatory hands on her sweet roundness.

And in a flash, she was in my pocket.

With nerves atrembly, I stole out of the store with my beloved, hopped on my bike, and pedaled furiously away to find a secluded spot to rendezvous with my secret dark lover.

I found a woody area, devoid of people, and settled onto a leafy spot behind a big tree. Pattie came from my pocket, her allure almost too tempting. But anticipation is part of the joy of this relationship, so with nervous restraint, I gently unfolded her tinfoily wrapper, and allowed myself the first swaying of desire at the flash of her tasty skin.

My mouth watered as I ...

... gobbled down the sweet confection.

Nope, I just couldn't savor this over time. Like the owl in the Tootsie Roll Pop commercial, I just can't let saliva do the work. My love of candy is a frenzied, drool-and-chomp-it-down affair - not a take your time and let it melt in your mouth insanity.

Anyway, it's good to get this dark secret out in the open.

I feel better.

And, now that I'm older, I usually have enough money for candy.

That's a good thing.

(No,Norm, don't do it)

Shut up, cavities!

Norm

www.normcowie.com

(where you can read The Guy'd Book for free! And three short stories! And excerpts of my other three books! Do you hear me! Free stuff!)

1776 ... and other stuff

2010-07-06T00:55:00.000-05:00

200 years after our nation declared its independence, I graduated.

Yeah, I'm that old.

Worse, before that happened, I had to speak in front of the entire school about what 1976 meant to me. At the time, I was an angry teen (as opposed to being an angry old fart now), but I was one of the top ranked kids in the school, so they felt they had to let me speak (probably holding their breath the whole time).

Either that, or they didn't know I was an angry teen. You see, I was one of the most shy people in my graduating class. So maybe they had no clue I was so angry because it got hidden behind my red face any time anyone paid any kind of attention to me.

Or, even more insidious, they knew I was angry, and they decided on the ultimate punishment of making me speak in front of EVERYONE.

So I wrote up a speech where I basically said I was sick of the Bi-Centennial (which was basically being celebrated on every show, commercial, print ad, article), and how we were spending all that time looking to the past, when we should have been looking to the future.

It wasn't a bad speech overall, and I think I did it okay. I don't remember scorching anyone in the front row with my burning face, though I would have if I could have figure out how to do it ... angry teen, remember?

Nowadays, I still use whatever podium I can get to rant. I believe our nation is the best nation in the world. I'm thrilled I get to live here, and enjoy its freedoms.

But it is still so incredibly flawed. Look at the leaders we've suffered over the last few years, stuffing their pockets and their pockets of their friends with money from lobbyists. Whatever happened to altruistic leaders? Ones who made decisions based on what's good for the people?

We try to help people be insured from health related losses ... it becomes a political issue ... we want to drive to the store without putting smog and other pollutants into the air ... another political issue ... we want to put our children through school and prepare them for the future .. more politics.

I read once that the people who most want to lead are those least suited to lead.

Yeah, I get that now, more than I did in 1976.

Norm

www.normcowie.com
(read excerpts of my books! and there's free stuff, too!)

Dropping in to bash Big Oil

2010-06-29T20:42:00.004-05:00

Did you hear the big news about how Charlie Bolden, NASA's chief administrator, tried to eliminate a program that would create cheap, clean energy?

What happened is NASA is working on a program to dump enormous bags of trash into the ocean, with trash eating algae which would create two byproducts: fresh water ... and lipids that when harvested would create a high energy biofuel.

The plan is to harvest the lipids which would enable them to create airplane fuel.

Enough to serve the entire planet's fleet of airplanes!

So why would Charlie Bolden want to trash the program?

Good question.

But here are a few clues:

1) He is a former board member of Marathon Oil
2) He has a million bucks of Marathon stock
3) Marathon asked him to kill the project.

If you've read any of my books, you know that my characters take on Big Oil and they have theorized that Big Oil quashes any new innovations that would reduce our dependence on fossil fuels.

This is the tip of the iceberg. Proof that Big Oil will do whatever they can to keep the reins of our national economy.

How about more proof? What construction projects are predominantly 'growing' our economy?

Road work, right?

How well do new roads grow our economy? Who benefits?

How about Big Oil?

Huh, you ask.

Yep, Big Oil. One of the primary ingredients of asphalt is oil.

Big Oil ... scourge of Earth.

You can read one of my short stories where the bad guy is Big Oil on my website. The story, which appeared in the anthology Missing, is available for free! Just go to www.normcowie.com and scroll to the bottom of the first page.

Norm

www.normcowie.com

Freaking Faeries

2010-06-23T01:42:00.000-05:00

I swear, every time I'm out gardening, all the freaking faeries are out there, dusting little pixie stuff on the dandelions and coaxing mosquitoes to come out and get the juicy balding morsel out in the zucchinis. I could murder the little twerps.

And then they make me forget they're there, and go off to torment the dog and my garden gnome with their flashy wings, dazzling Dentyne smiles and curvy little behinds that remind you of your sister's Barbie back in sixth grade.

Sure, they're harmless. Cute. They're good for the environment (pray Dick Cheney or the jerks over at BP Amoco never get hold of them and shoot them, or worse, slather them in oil).

And they make good crow bait. You just can't have enough crows in your yard, keeping the area free of dead animal carcasses. But sure, let Disney put them in a show and now everyone thinks they're Tinker Bell, or some other fool thing.

But they don't have me fooled. I know what they really are. And I'm a writer. I'm going to tell everyone about them...

I'm going to...

"Hey, what are you doing, you freaking faeries. Get away from me!"

"Don't spread that forget-me dust on me!"

"Get!"

"Argh!"

(silence)

What was I talking about?

Norm

read free stuff on my website: www.normcowie.com

download a book here

Proper Care of Your Peeves

2010-06-20T01:37:00.000-05:00

We're going to pet our peeves, today!

Yay!

(clap, clap)

Where to start? There are so many things. I might hurt myself.

So here we go...

We'll start off with the word ... 'myself.'

I hate the word, 'myself,' myself. Because so many people just screw it up, leaving me grinding my molars into chalk. Worse, people who know better obviously don't know better. I can't tell you how many times I've heard a teacher, an announcer, a politician say something like, "my friend and myself went to the store..."

Grrr....

My family has learned to duck if we're watching a show and someone uses it improperly. I explode, frothing at the mouth (as opposed as frothing anywhere else), and they just cringe, knowing I just have to rant and rave every time.

Of course, that's what a peeve is all about.

And I gots lots of them.

Here's another one.

How about someone who races you for the merge, and when you let him go ahead, he slows down below the speed limit?

And more.

How about supposed BA's wearing knit caps in the middle of the summer? Yeah, maybe you are tough after all.

Grand Prix drivers (read any of my books, I destroy one or its driver).

People who brush by you without saying 'excuse me,' or even acknowledging you were there in the first place.

People who don't have weeds in their lawn.

Guys who don't flush after going to the bathroom, or worse, wash their hands.

The thing about pet peeves is you have to take care of them. Feed them, keep them safe. Fortunately, there are so many people out there who feel it's their personal responsibility to keep your peeves charged up.

Here's to them.

Norm

www.normcowie.com
(vampire, humor book Fang Face on ebook for three bucks)

Here I Am Yesterday

2010-06-09T01:29:00.000-05:00

I can see yesterday.

Sure, that's easy, you say, anyone can do that. Just get out something you taped yesterday on your phone or a recorder ... or, well just about anything will record stuff nowadays.

But forget the techy stuff for a moment. I can see yesterday ... without the aid of technology.

In fact, I can see millions of years in the past. I see before the birth and death of Christ. Before the Cave Men. I can even see before the birth of Cher. No HG Wells Time Machine needed.

All I have to do is use my eyes.

Everything you see already happened before your eyes saw it happen. Sometimes, there can be a huge delay.

You don't see something until the speed of light carries what happened to your eyes. Then there's more of a delay for synapses to tell your brain what your eyes saw. If you consider a star a million light years away, that light occurred a million years ago. You're seeing into the past, to a time way before humans even existed.

So if someone is talking to you, you're hearing it even from longer ago, since sound is slower than light. In fact, if your senses were acute enough, you would be able to pick up the slight time lag.

Sure, you say, so what's the significance of this? That time is so minute, as to not make a difference at all.

That's only because we humans are a slow, clumsy species. Consider for a moment that a hummingbird can flap its wings up to ninety times a second. A second! Or just try and keep up with your cat's reflexes.

Sometimes I try and think this way, so I can expand my mind as a writer, and consider that what I might think is impossible, isn't impossible at all. It's just beyond me. And this helps me dream up fun and cool stuff in my stories.

So keep dreaming, and don't let your preconceptions prevent you from wondering about the world.

And to help you on that note, try and imagine a world where air molecules are conveniently transparent.

Norm

www.normcowie.com

(author of Fang Face and other stuff. Download it today or visit my website for some free stuff)

Being a Chick

2010-06-04T10:25:00.001-05:00

One of the coolest things about writing fiction is writing characters who aren’t you. Writing about aliens, vampires, murderers … unless you are a murderer, of course. Or writing a character of the other gender.

Outside of Chastity Bono, who legally named her/his name and sex to Chaz Bono, very few people have been both genders, so we fiction writers really have to stretch our imagination to try and ‘become’ someone else, especially if it’s the other gender.

Like how can I understand what it’s like to have ‘female’ health issues - what it’s like to be the physically weaker sex - how a guy could actually be attractive - enjoying romance movies - being afraid of spiders - in touch with your emotions?

(shiver)

Tough stuff.

There’s a tendency to go too far, stretching tendencies out of whack where the guy is too manly or the woman too womanly. Of course, these will still have a basis in reality because there are guys who are too manly and women who are too womanly.

I think that’s why I make my female characters kind of tough. They don’t take guff, they stand up for themselves … though they might still be afraid of spiders.

One of the coolest things has been the feedback I get from females regarding my characters. A girl from Chicago wrote to me that she wants to ‘be Erin,’ the vampire from “Fang Face.” A woman from Oregon identified so strongly with the woman warrior from “The Adventures of Guy” she changed her Myspace name to the warrior’s name. A lot of my reviews have come from female reviewers.

So it’s pretty clear that I’ve nailed the female POV, at least from what I’m hearing.

Boo-yah!

Try it yourself. Write from the other gender POV, show it to a friend, and see how you did.

Norm

www.normcowie.com

Lots of free stuff to read on my site!

Two of my books are available on ebook for $3 or less

Creepy, Crawly ...

2010-05-26T01:30:00.000-05:00

I haven’t gotten around to writing creepy characters yet.

I keep meaning to. Creepy sells. Creepy thrills. Creepy makes your spine feel all tingly and weird.

It’s not like I haven’t had a chance yet. I’ve written about vampires and werewolves, critters lurking in the night. I even wrote about an invisible dog once, well, a ghost, but he was invisible most of the time. He even had a starring role in my second book from my Adventures of guy series. Still though, no creepiness.

The vampires in Fang Face have a taste for Type A blood, but they aren’t creepy. The werewolves might be creeps in the ‘jerk’ sense, but not creeps in the ‘euu’ sort of way. The unknown in my books is suspenseful, but you just don’t get the Pet Cemetery feeling of your skin crawling around untethered from your skeleton.

What is it that separates the Stephen King from the John Grisham? The Stephen Coonts from the Dean Koontz? Something dark and sinister in the soul? I don’t know. I know that Dean Koontz has an affinity for dogs, particularly golden retrievers, and they regularly star in his books … sometimes as invisible friends … so there’s the creepy thing again. He can’t even write a book with a nice normal dog without making the dog all weird and mysterious.

Do you have to sit in a dark room to write dark stuff? Write during a thunder storm? Or write when your mother-in-law is visiting? Do you need that kind of muse to craft the invisible friend?

I don’t know. You can flip this over. Do you think Stephen King wonders if you have to sit on a Whoopie Cushion to write funny stuff? Or put jello in your underwear, so you ‘feel’ funny?

Inspiration, funny stuff … except when it’s creepy stuff.

Norm

www.normcowie.com

My books on Amazon here

A Week in Joliet

2010-05-14T07:29:00.005-05:00

I had an exciting week giving fourteen presentations to thousands of kids in the four Joliet junior high schools. Here are a few thoughts about the week:

It was fun to watch sleepy-eyed, bored expressions morph into animated, laughing faces.
I shared hotdogs, fried poultry somethings and pizza with kids during their most social time.
I learned that I shouldn't say two certain words in school - even though they aren't cuss words.
The young adults at Joliet are a bit more inclined to use Myspace rather than Facebook compared to other schools I've spoken at.
The girls prefer Jacob over the Jonas Brothers. And some Justin Bieber or something like that over Jacob.
Serious stuff happens with kids - I hope I gave them a break from some of that.
Young adults like it when they are paid attention to (don't we all?)
Even kids who claim to be 'non-readers' have been friending me. So something worked. I shall convert them ... heh.
Librarians and the Tech people are the real heroes at school.
Girls listen to rap.
They're called sleep-overs, not slumber parties.
Kids like to write poetry.
If you can entertain them, they think you're cool, even if you're fifty-one, balding and bowlegged.

Anyway, thanks to Joliet SD #86 for letting me be a part of your school year.

Norm

www.normcowie.com

Cat-a-Log

2010-05-05T22:06:00.002-05:00

My daughter went to NY for a week, and asked me to look in on her cats. Somehow ... they took over my mind ... and my typewriter. My daughter said I emailed the following to her ... but I ... really don't remember:

Our servants seem to have escaped. Fortunately, they do not appear to have taken anything of value .. our beds ... and food.

We shall chronicle our daily activity until we have replaced them. Though, what is a day for a cat - or any period of time - we are cats and are beyond such mundane thoughts such as time. However, for any who shall peruse our wisdom, we shall allow this so their tiny minds might comprehend part of what it is to be a cat.

Day One.

We sleep. Eat. Mid fourth nap of the day, there was a jangling and a servant came in. As we were unprepared, we were unable to leave a suitable gift of welcome. We cannot tell if this servant is wild or owned. We bristled and prepared to withdraw. He seemed harmless, helpless, so we honored him with our presence.

The servant knew and performed a ritual song of greeting, so we allowed one of us to greet him. After suitable period of worship, we withdrew to our thrones of comfort in order to watch for any movement of interest.

After filling our food and water depository, servant was honored by being allowed to remove our waste. The servant left soon afterward, though it was beneath us to notice.

We sleep. Eat.

We will control the wild servant's mind and use this vessel to chronicle our thoughts. It is difficult to work with such a limited implement.

Day two

The wild servant appeared again mid fifth nap of the day. We were careful not to startle him, though a gift was left for him at the servant's entrance area.

He sat and watched our magnificence in awe. He performed the song of greeting and once again was permitted to honor himself with a period of ritual worship. We allowed him access to the royal stomach.

Before leaving, there was breach of propriety. Servant attempted to worship the other of us. he was rebuked with a Royal batting and a hiss of displeasure. He withdrew.

The servant failed to perform the ritual of royal waste removal. We shall consider punishment.

Day whatever - what is a day to a cat, for we are masters of the universe.

Without warning, the Wild Servant appeared again, disturbing our slumber number four. He sang the song of Welcome, so one of us graced him. The other of us continues to spurn him, so that he will not forget his low place in the totem of existence.

We let him freshen our drinking water and feed us, and once again allowed him the grace of cleaning our excrement. If he continues to perform, we may let him keep a small bit as reward.

He attempted to entice us to exercise, but we had no need as we are already perfect in every way.

As he is not worthy of our attention, we allowed him to leave without tasting our fangs in his ankle.

Day we do not care

Servant showed up again today, interrupting us from our fifth slumber of the day. He appeared upset at the gift of regurgitated food we bequeathed to him. and, remarkably, rather than treasuring the royal evac, our leavings were deposited in the trash receptacle.

For punishment, one of us eluded him, causing him justified anxiety. He looked all over until finally finding the one under a bed. The next time, he will not be successful. The other of us consented to physical praise and adoration.

Servant redeemed himself slightly by cleaning Our water bowl, refilling food and removing waste from our Throne of Evacuation.

We are not sure what to make of this complex, but simple being. We shall postpone the servant's destruction as we contemplate the meaning of sleep.

End Cat Log

(scratching my head)
I really don't get this.

Norm

www.normcowie.com
Fang Face available for less than three bucks on Kindle!

Undead Relief

2010-04-28T01:12:00.000-05:00

The Undead have it made.

Maybe because, in a way, they have things better than us. They don't have to worry about greedy lobbyists, the Oil Industry, plaque or even getting fat.

Have you ever seen a fat dead person? Zombie, vampire or otherwise? They're all on the Atkins Diet.

All they care about is getting enough dark and food, preferably human Kibbles and Bits. And that's it.

Well, there are certain trendy vampires who care about their clothes, but other than that, no worries, Mate.

They don't vote, go to school, obey traffic signals. They don't have to worry about getting a heart attack, ingrown toenails, bad hair days.

Not only that, but even dead, they are still ambulatory. They have the best of both worlds. They can't drown, seems like hell has been put off, and if they don't like it when the mother-in-law comes over to visit, they can just eat her.

They don't have to worry about preventative issues, such as getting enough vitamin C, flossing (though some of them probably should), blood pressure checkups.

No school, no traffic court, the H1N1 virus ... in fact, no laws at all other than survival of the fittest. They try to eat humans without getting staked, their head cut off, or turning Republican.

Undead... maybe not so bad.

Norm

author of Fang Face, as if being teenager doesn't suck enough
(available on print or Kindle)
www.normcowie.com

The Morph-mobile

2010-04-27T21:57:00.000-05:00

There are a lot of advantages to being a humor writer ... not the least that we can burp in public without too much of an eye roll ... because people expect it.

But better, we have freedom other writers don't have. We can screw up, and our editor will go, "did you mean to put a weasel in your underpants?"

I mean, for most people, that's a screw up, but for a humor writer not necessarily so. The editor has does some hand-wringing, thinking, "there must be something funny about this that I'm not getting."

How liberating, huh?

Case in point. With my first book, "The Adventures of Guy ... written by a guy (probably)," there's a point in which my characters jump in an SUV and go off to battle telemarketers. But later on, I described the same vehicle as a mini-van. Later, it was an SUV again.

So my editor sends me a hesitantly phrased email asking, "Was this an 'oops', or is this the incredible morphing vehicle?"

I love putting doubt in my editor like this!

Anyway, yeah, it was a screw up, so I'm glad I had a sharp-eyed editor.

So when you're off writing your gut wrenching love stories, or twisty-turnie mysteries or whatever it is you write other than humor, remember ...

... we humor writers are laughing at you.

Norm

Get yourself some Fang Face today! $2.99 on ebook! A bit more expensive on paper, but worth it. Just go to my website www.normcowie.com, and follow the instructions.

Mo' Stuff from Mo.

2010-04-18T06:52:00.005-05:00

It's the last day at the Missouri Writers Guild Conference, and I'm going to talk a bit about the agents who showed up.

If I was listening right, and I'm a guy so I probably wasn't, the Mo. Guild is nearly a hundred years old. Attendee-wise, it was a smaller conference than, say Love is Murder and the Erma Bombeck conferences, but they did a really nice job with the layout, speakers and getting big-name agents.

Kristin Nelson of the Nelson Literary Agency impressed right out of the box. During dinner, she went around to the tables, introduced herself and had a few words for everyone. What a classy move. She comes across as a danged smart and influential woman and you can't help but be impressed.

Joanna Stampfel-Volpe of Nancy Coffrey Literary has a bit of a Tina Fey look to her, and is fun and engaging. She knows her stuff and is passionate about books.

I saved Suzie Townsend of Fine Print Literary for last because I 'clicked' with her. She likes Patricia Briggs books, sarcastic humor and I'm, well, sarcastic and humorous and like Patricia Briggs books. Anyway, she's Peter Rubie's assistant, but also a new and upcoming agent already impressing people 'in the Know.'

A small press publisher, Linda Houle from L&L Dreamspell, was on hand, too, but I didn't get a chance to talk with her.

The conference food was awesome, the hotel complimentary stuff amazing (three free drinks each night, free internet, breakfast, etc. Really nice), and the attendees were a sweet combination of newbie and pros.

Oh, one lady stood out. I had several enjoyable conservations with accomplished children's book author Christine Taylor-Butler. Christine is an engineer by day and has something like forty published books that teach kids about the planet, nature, government, health ... in an entertaining way. Glad people like Christine are out there.

Sorry I didn't say anything funny here. It's early and I haven't had any .. not ANY ... coffee yet.

I must go in search of caffeine.

Norm

www.normcowie.com

Day Two in MISS ouri

2010-04-17T11:07:00.005-05:00

Day two at the Missouri - or Mizzura if you're from the state - brought an unexpected surprise. Of course, if it was an expected surprise, it wouldn't have been a surprise. Duh.

Anyway, I didn't expect to know anyone at the conference, so it was surprising to hear my name shouted when I was wandering around the hotel lobby. Raymond Benson, who blurbed Fang Face (woo-hoo!) was in town to give a Mystery Writers of America pitch at the conference.

Raymond, who is most famous in my eyes for his incredible ear blasting piano playing and the fact that the Ian Flemming family engaged him to write nine James Bond books,is a really cool guy, and I'm glad he showed up.

I'm meeting a lot of fun people, though a lot of them are still hoping for their first published book. So I'm giving a lot of advice. It seems the biggest advice they need is the need to establish a web presence before getting published. With Twitter, Blogspot, Facebook and Wordpress and other forums available at the cheap price of free, they need to set something up right now.

I think I've convinced a few people.

Time to go, my stomach has given me the early lunch warning signal. More later.

Norm

www.normcowie.com

The Show Me State

2010-04-16T14:32:00.004-05:00

I'm in Missouri for the next three days (if you don't know where Missouri is, take a left at Illinois and go about a block).

This is my first time at the Missouri Writer's Guild Writers Conference. I got here a couple hours ago and right away met the bookseller, Vicki Erwin of Main Street Books, who brought as promised an autographed copy of The Chronicles of Vladimir Tod by Heather Brewer. She didn't bring Heather Brewer, but the book is the next best thing.

Besides owning her own bookstore, Vicki has been published, herself, with more than twenty children titles to her credit. I'm humbled.

Well, not humble. Jealous. Yeah, that's it, jealous. But jealous in a good way.

Besides that, I haven't done much yet, other than hunt down some Chinese food.

Pleasant surprise to find out there is free internet, free lunch, free breakfast, and a nice hotel. I'm off to seek more pleasant surprises and will write again later.

Norm

Where the Wind Blows

2010-04-09T17:47:00.000-05:00

(warning: cross blog)

The storm caught us all totally by surprise.

Upon reflection, it shouldn't have, because we had all been eating beans.

But the backlash, oh, the backlash.

We should have known better when we plucked all of the cans of beans off the shelf at the store ... that the combination of beans and beer... like nitro ... and glycerin ... and bananas.

Anyway, it wasn't pleasant.

And when Andy tried lighting one of them...

Yeah, it was ugly, but at least everyone's eyebrows grew back.

Norm

(still immature after all these years)

www.normcowie.com

The Tourette Writer

2010-04-08T20:27:00.004-05:00

One of the best things about being a Tourette writer like me is ...

What, you don't know what I mean by Tourette writer?

A Tourette's writer (by the way, I made up the phrase with all due respect to people who are inflicted with this condition) is a writer who simply types whatever comes to mind ... without much of a filter. There's a filter. Maybe. It's just really, really small.

So I write what I want and we just go from there.

Anyway, a cool thing about it is I can screw up on something, but someone reading it might think I meant to write it.

Example: In my first book, my characters were riding a minivan. Later I called the same vehicle an SUV. Then it was a minivan ... then an SUV.

It was an honest mistake.

But my editor thought I was doing it on purpose. The incredible morphing vehicle. He kind of liked the idea.

My boss asked some of the same questions back when I wrote our newsletter. He'd sidle up to me, point to something I wrote and say, "you meant to say that, right?"

Um, right.

It's even better if what I wrote was funny by accident.

Anyway, we get to phxiukrhsheiid whenever we want.

Norm

www.normcowie.com

Read the free stuff on my website!

New Stuff, Free Stuff and other Stuff

2010-03-28T09:04:00.004-05:00

I've been Tweeting about it, so I have to blog it now. So much has been happening.

First of all, in order to push ebooks, my publisher has dropped the price of Fang Face on ebook to $2.99.

Personally, I've never bought an ebook, and I don't own a Kindle. I've always been partial to reading a regular book, spilling coffee on it, using important bits of paper as bookmarks.

I had to experiment a bit. First of all, I got on Amazon's site and found Fang Face. Yep, less than three bucks.

But like I said, I don't own a Kindle. How can I read a Kindle book without a Kindle?

No problem. If you look to the right where it says "Buy Now" there's a button that reads, "Available on your PC."

Really.

I clicked on this button and derned if they don't actually have an ebook reader that you can download for FREE. So I downloaded the reader. Then it said I can see a sample/preview of the book. Again for FREE.

So I clicked that button and next thing I know, I'm reading the beginning on ebook on a format that looks like the Kindle reader itself (I don't have one, but I know what they look like).

How cool is that? The whole thing took less than five minutes!!

Here's where it gets better.

Before I wrote the Adventures of Guy series, I wrote a non-fiction book composed of a series of humor essays. I called it, "The Guy'd Book ... why we leave the seat up and other stuff" and parts of it were published in the Chicago Tribune and Cynic Magazine (it made three of the 'Best of' issues). I used many of the same themes in my Adventures of Guy books.

A week ago, after getting excited about ebooks, I decided to put "The Guy'd Book" on Kindle. It took most of the day to format it, design a cover and work my way through Amazon's site, but I succeeded. And you can get "The Guy'd Book" on ebook for two bucks!

But I'm not done!

My publisher reverted the rights to two Adventures of Guy short stories back to me. They were published in the anthologies "Missing" and "The Heat of the Moment." But now they're mine again. And they can be yours ... for free!

Yesterday, I spent the entire day streamlining my entire website, and both of these stories can be downloaded FOR FREE from my site www.normcowie.com. If you've read my award-winning Adventures of Guy series, or if you've wondered about them, either revisit or get a taste by reading these stories.

Then, if that whetted your appetite ... there are two books available with the same wacky characters (eye wiggle).

So like I said, so much stuff going on.

I'm so aTwitter.

Norm

www.normcowie.com

What do a cigarette and Norm have in common?

2010-03-18T21:51:00.003-05:00

I'm HOT!

I mean it. Pissed off.

When leaving the store tonight, I saw a kid smoking a cigarette.

(grrrrr)

He thought he looked like hot stuff. A tough guy, puffing away, eyes narrowed to slits because he couldn't keep the smoke out of them ... or because he thought the narrowed eyes were cool.

He didn't look cool!

He looked like a kid playing dress up.

Smoking doesn't make you tough!

It turns your skin yellow. It ruins your lung capacity, so you get out of breath really easily. Even an old fifty-one year old fart like me has better lungs than that kid.

Do you know why cigarettes cost so much?

Because they lost a bunch of suits which proved they were poisoning people ... on purpose! And ratching up the nicotine so you get hooked on them. The suits proved this. And the cigarette companies were penalized millions and millions of dollars.

Did this hurt them? Of course not. They simply passed the cost along to the people they are killing.

And do you know how much the cigarette industry pays in advertising? A gazillion dollars! That's even bigger than our national deficit. And you know why? Because they have to hook kids on their product, because their best, longest tenured customers are dying ... because of their product!

Every single smoker I know wishes they never smoked that first cigarette. The two who died of cancer probably feel the same way, but I never got a chance to ask them.

Smoking SUCKS!

It's NOT cool!

It's dangerous.

Don't do it!

(read a good book instead ... may I suggest ... )

Norm

www.normcowie.com

Dressed as a Hat

2010-03-06T15:41:00.001-06:00

(I'm cross-dressing, er, posting my last Teen-Seen blog... cuz it's kind of manic.)

Here goes:

Crazy as a loon ... heh, heh ... yeah, loons are crazy. Whoa! Just stepped over a dead body.

Gross.

Anyway, the mad Hatter ... actually, I look pretty good in hats. I didn't think I would, but...

Oh, yeah, and on the way home, I saw the best smelling...

But I digress, for if I didn't, I'd be naked. Oops, that's dress, not digress. Now if I bi-dressed, would that mean I'm a cross-dresser?

But crazy people make the world go ...have you ever wondered why planets are round? Why not square? And that whole pi thing. Like the square root of 2 is 1.414, how weird is that?

What was I going? Or was that were? Am I a were-human? What if I was an animal and I had opposable thumbs? I'd be a human, or an ape, or a fence post.

If you were on the moon you'd weigh less. Would you be happier? Or would your hair look funky? Oh, look, a weight lifter!

Hey, gotta go, a Snickers bar is calling me. Have a cow.

Norm

www.fangface.homestead.com

Easy Weight Loss (you can do it, too)

2010-02-24T13:50:00.003-06:00

I recently lost 7 pounds (over 4% of my total weight) with an awesome easy to do plan. Best of all, I could eat whatever I wanted!

Seriously.

And you can do it, too.

I'm going to share it with you ... for free!

Day 1 step 1: swim two miles (about 40 football field lengths)
- step 2: eat whatever* I want.

Day 2 step 1: watch Reality TV
- step 2: eat whatever* I want.

Day 3 step 1: swim two miles
- step 2: eat whatever* I want

Day 4 step 1: watch Reality TV
- step 2: eat whatever* I want

Day 5 step 1: swim two miles
- step 2: eat whatever* I want

Days 6-7 weekend. Watch ESPN - Olympics ...and eat whatever I want.

With this plan, I actually exceeded my goals, and lost half a pound too much. So I shall reward myself by ... eating whatever I want.

I know some people are going to hate me for this ... sorry.

Norm

* "whatever I want" defined as whatever I want, with lots of Snickers bars, Fritos Chili Cheese chips and Fudgicles.

Norm's books: www.normcowie.com

ebooks, fbooks, gbooks, hbooks, etc.

2010-02-21T21:58:00.002-06:00

If you haven't been listening to me lately .. maybe you've been reading me instead ... heh.

Anyway, there seems to be a push on ebooks (definition: a book with an 'e' in it), what with Sony and Kindle readers out there. And I haven't been doing my part to let people know they can get Fang Face in downloadable form.

Shame on me.

Especially since I'm very big on the environment and stuff (my family got me a composter for my BD).

Anyway, I'm trying to make amends now. You can get Fang Face for six bucks on my publisher's website. Here's the link - www.echelonpress.com .

So go on ... get out of here.

It won't bite.

Well, probably not.

Norm

Zits a wonderful thing

2010-02-20T22:12:00.003-06:00

I've been talking at a lot of schools lately, telling them how I ... an old fart guy ... write YA about teens ... even more, teen girls.

I'm not, at least last time I looked, a teen or a girl ...(wait, let me check - nope, still a guy)

Anyway, the kids have been awesome, and after each talk, I get 'Friended' by a bunch of kids on Facebook. It's cool to hang out with the critters, who are a lively bunch, with all kinds of social interaction with each other.

So today, I decided to bond with them, in a way someone my age shouldn't be able to. I woke up this morning -

- with a zit on my nose.

Crap.

I'm way too old for that kind of thing.

I guess I researched teens just a bit too well.

Anyway, onward.

Norm

Cool new contest

2010-02-15T10:17:00.001-06:00

Want an agent to look at part of your new book?

Check out this awesome site!

Norm

http://www.guidetoliteraryagents.com/blog/

GGGGG

2010-01-30T20:51:00.001-06:00

I'm just dropping in here to rant.

I was driving down the road and AT&T and Verizon were having a battle of the billboards all the way down Interstate 294 in Chicago.

"We have the fastest 5G network!" one of them enthused.
"We have the most complete 5G!" another shouted .. (in a billboard sort of way).

"Wow! I thought. "I can have the fastest 5G network .. or the most complete 5G coverage. What a choice!"

Imagine all the things I could do with this.

I could ... um ... or maybe I could ... uh ...

Well...

I'm not sure.

You see. I have absolutely no idea what a 5G network is. So here these two advertising behemoths are spending millions of dollars in advertising furiously fighting for the right to my 5G, and I'm totally clueless.

In fact, I'm so out of the 5G loop, I couldn't tell you why it's better than a 4G, or a 3G, 2G .. 1G.

Or 4H

Or A1

Or 3D

Or H1N1

Or any other number/letter combination.

And what's worse, I feel totally out of the loop. Everyone ELSE knows what a 5G network is. Everyone except me.

So I've betrayed my ignorance ... and now I shall slink away, to watch my favorite PG13 movie.

Norm

www.normcowie.com

Kind of embarrassing

2010-01-08T21:33:00.004-06:00

I snuck ... sneaked? ... into Barnes and Nobles today.

Well, that's not exactly true. I went through the front door normally ... not utilizing any of the commando training I never received.

Anyway, I took a day off work today, and determined to work on WereWoof without any distractions. So I shut off my internet connection and went to Barnes and Noble. I went for two reasons,

1) I had a B&N gift card.
2) They have a Starbucks and I had a Starbucks gift card .. given to me by a reader, no less ... thanks, Alison.
3) I needed to get a certain book.

So I got a large, or whatever they call it .. Lentil? ... White Chocolate Mocha, revved up the laptop and got to work.

After banging out some words (I was feeling my muse, they were good words), it was time to go pick up my critter after school.

Now I had another errand to run. Harriet Klausner, Amazon's number one rated book reviewer (woo-hoo!), has agreed to review Fang Face.

The trouble is I had an author event at a school in December and they had ordered 100 copies of my book but didn't receive them in time for my visit. I loaned them all of my stock of books, but haven't had a chance to go up and retrieve the replacements.

That left me without a book to send.

So here I was in a Barnes and Noble.

They have books, right?

Yep.

They'll have Fang Face, right?

Well, maybe.

I haven't quite broken into B&N with the success I've enjoyed with Borders. But I'm trying. So with some trepidation, I went to the Young Adult section and - voila! - there were three copies of Fang Face.

I grabbed one and scurried down the escalator to the check out. There, the girl who waited on me looked at the book and said, "Oh, this looks like a great book. I have to check it out."

Um. What's one to say? Should I admit I'm buying my own book? Should I pretend I'm just a reader and tell her the book is fantastic .. which it is, so I wouldn't be lying.

What a conundrum.

And here's the worst part ...

... are you ready? ...

... I'm not going to tell you what I did.

Bwah, ha, ha!

Norm

http://www.normcowie.com

Overpriced, overhyped athletes

2009-12-31T21:49:00.003-06:00

So AT&T dropped its sponsorship of Tiger Woods, huh?

Big deal.

I have AT&T, but it wasn't because they paid him tons of money to do ...well, whatever it is that he does with them that they felt at one time was worth tons of money. Same with Gillette, I use their blades, but didn't even know they endorsed him.

I've NEVER, ever purchased anything just because an athlete or actor/tress endorsed it. In fact, it's more likely the reverse is true. I absolutely refuse to buy anything Nike. Their stuff is overpriced for the same reason.

But Peyton Manning, you say. Isn't he your hero?

Well, yeah, but I'm not running out to buy ... um, ... whatever he's hawking. I laugh at the commercials and promptly forget what he was selling, if I ever noticed.

As far as I'm concerned, endorsers are simply wasting their money.

Norm

http://fangface.homestead.com

I'm a ROCK STAR!

2009-12-22T18:09:00.002-06:00

I ... am ... a ... rock star!

Well, I felt like one.

I walked into the cafeteria and the room just erupted in cheers, people thumping on tabletops, teenaged girls screaming like at a High School Musical concert .. it was just weird.

I'm standing there, a tray in my hand, balancing chocolate milk, a chicken paddy and bun, some Cheetos, and all of these kids are cheering for me, trying to come sit with them at lunch.

I'd spent the entire morning at West Oak Elementary in Mundelein, yukking it up with the kids, picking on teachers ... they really liked that ... talking about writing and publishing to a very appreciative audience.

They bought a ton of my books, ordered a ton more, and I'll be going back next month to sign more books. It was very, very fun. The best part might have been the thank you cards I got afterward, and the sign welcoming me to the school.

School spirit, indeed.

Norm

(I'll post a pic or two later when the librarian sends them to me).

Speaking about biters

2009-12-12T21:07:00.003-06:00

The cool thing about writing young adult is the opportunities for speaking at schools.

Think about it ... hundreds of kids looking at you ...

... a microphone ...

... all yours ...

... and the kids all wanting to know what it's like to write a vampire book.

They like biters, they like vampires and werewolves and creatures like that.

Why do they like them? I dunno, and as long as the kids don't turn into biters, I'm fine speaking to them.

But I'll bring some holy water and crosses, just in case.

Norm

http://fangface.homestead.com

Can't shut me up!!

2009-11-30T22:25:00.004-06:00

Probably the coolest thing about having a YA (Young Adult for those who don't know) book out there is the reception by schools.

I'm a ...let's say 'lively' speaker .. I'm not shy, and I like to have fun, particularly when I get a microphone in my hands.

And schools like enthusiastic writers!

Think about it, most writers want to do just that ... write. Well, being ambidextrous, I not only write, but I right .. and, er, left.

(head scratching)

Where was I going with this?

Oh, yeah, writers can be ... well ... dull in person. No, not all of them, some are quite fun to listen to. But most of them are writers because they aren't speakers.

I, on the other hand, was a speaker before being a writer, and I love doing what my wife calls, 'showing off.'

So how does this relate?

It relates because I'm getting quite a few speaking engagements with schools. I'll be doing two Chicago writing fairs in the next two months and speaking over the next few months with (as of today) seven schools. I've also spoken with several Girl Scout Troops and am working on a big Boy Scout meeting.

Boo-ya! I'm in my element. I love talking with groups that still think the word, "poop" is something to giggle about.

Cuz we're just having fun, y'know!

Norm

http://fangface.homestead.com

Where am I?

2009-11-23T21:55:00.004-06:00

Wow, it's been ...like three weeks since my last blog.

Shame, shame.

(slap of wet noodle on wrist)

Well, there's a reason for my absentness (is this a word ... don't care ... call me Webster, I just make 'em up).

Anyway, I've been somewhat inspired by NaNoW...whatever it's called. That thing where writers try and write an entire novel in a single month.

Now I'm not that inspired... not nearly ... but I have gotten off my duff and been kind of creative with WereWoof, the followup story to FangFace.

And speaking of FangFace, I posted an excerpt of Fang Face on my monthly Pop Syndicate blog. Come check it out:

http://www.popsyndicate.com/books/story/fang_face_..._as_if_being_a_teenager_doesnt_suck_enough

I've also been busy setting up speaking events at schools. Seems like kids want to talk about vampires with wacky authors who aren't afraid of speaking in public.

See you and all that. I promise it won't be three weeks.

(more like two)

(shaddup, self!)

Norm

Girl Scout Halloween cookies

2009-11-02T21:16:00.004-06:00

"They're just little girls," my wife said. "You don't want to scare them."

"Yeah, you're right," I said reluctantly. "I won't do anything to frighten them."

So I packed my stuff and headed off to the Girl Scout meeting which was taking place a couple nights before Halloween.

Sandy's right, I thought to myself. As fun as it would be to scare the snot out of some little girls, they were just that ... little girls. And having raised a couple of them myself, would I want some old fart showing up and trying to scare them out of their cookies?

Of course not.

I resigned myself to just relaxing and toning it down a notch.

Pity.

I'd been thinking of coming in, turning off the lights and coming in all bedecked in my vampire costume and ... well, trying to scare those cookies.

But no, it was not to be.

So I showed up at the church where Girl Scout Troop #384 would be planning their next year's cookie sales plus doing their secret handshakes and all the other stuff they do when there aren't any guys around.

When I pulled into the parking lot, it was empty, except a lone minivan.

Oh, no, I thought to myself, I came the wrong night, or to the wrong church ... or, well, something else.

With trepidation, I went to the back door and pulled the handle.

It was open. I figured someone would be there and maybe this someone would know where the actual meeting was. Or they could give me some of those really yummy caramel coconut cookies to help me cookie my sorrow.

Instead, I heard some sinister music from some scary movie where the chick always tries to escape a bad guy by backing up and tripping over a root. The meeting room was partially closed, dark with a strobe light and a hand made sign on the door threatening, "Enter at your own risk!"

Boo-Ya! Fun scary critters!

So I ducked into the Men's room, changed into my vampire uniform, and entered the dark room with with glee.

No, I mean, I was scared ... as far as they know.

Norm

http://www.fangface.homestead.com

Happy Hallopalooza!

2009-10-29T22:57:00.004-05:00

Welcome scavengers!

You’re visiting the blogspot of humor author Norm Cowie, who just published his third book, Fang Face, a vampire young adult book.

Fang Face, is a lot like Twilight, and … well, no, it really isn’t.

The only thing they have in common is they take place in school and they have vampires. Otherwise, there’s none of the forbitten, er forbidden love, there’s a lot more fang and way, way more humor.

Bestselling author James Rollins said, “I loved this book, fangs and all.”

Check it out at http://fangface.homestead.com

Leave a comment on this blog along with your email address to enter a drawing for a free signed copy of Fang Face (signed by both me and the cover artist!)

Anyway, the commercial break is over. Back to your hunt:

***

Fang Place – post #18 http://fangplace.blogspot.com

Detective Fletcher Jones looked at her like she was some swamp creature who had crawled in the passenger side of his car and squatted on his upholstery.

"Rough night? Got to hand it to you, when you say you're going to do a little digging, you really mean digging."

It was almost dawn. She'd been unconscious longer than she'd thought. After she'd freed herself, she'd looked for the Bangkok Blue orchid. She'd found it and a large hole. The file was gone. Either she'd led the killer to it or he/she had taken it after killing Carla.

The police had checked the greenhouse for clues, but holes in a flowerbed didn't make the cut for unusual items.

Milla glanced down at her wet, muddy clothes. The floor of a greenhouse, no matter how expensive, was filthy. Her nails were broken and dirty from scratching around on the floor and in the flowerbed. Her clothes were ruined. Good thing she was staining Fletcher's car seats instead of her own.

"Fletcher, I want to re-interview Liza Barrymore and Sonya Reyes. And I'd like to do it at the police station, if you don't mind." She'd had her fill of playing nice with G. Winston Howard's guests.

"Liza Barrymore, the makeup artiste, no problem. The mayor's wife, well that could be messy." He chuckled, opening his glove box and handing her a package of wet-wipes.

"Sure, I'm game. The union will protect me from his Honor's wrath. But you're going to need to hose off first. We just got new furniture in the interrogation rooms."

"Swell." Milla grabbed her extra clothes from the trunk of her car and motioned for Fletcher to open up the trunk on his patrol car. She dropped her bag inside, noting the evidence sacks containing the costumes from the party. The killer's clothes were probably in there. "Let's go."

She glanced at Fletcher as they drove off the property. She still needed to mention to him that her attacker had taken her gun. He wasn't going to be happy.

Next Clue Location - http://morganmandel.blogspot.com

Dave Barry, Ridley Pearson & WGN Radio

2009-10-21T20:27:00.003-05:00

Big week for me.

No, not big.

More like BIG!

Huge, ginormous ... heh, I said 'norm'.

Anyway, it was my week to brush with stars. First I get interviewed on the Rick Kogan "Sunday Papers" program on WGN radio.

38 states!

And Canada!

especially Canada.

My brother in North Carolina even heard the program.

Boo-ya!

Then, through Disney, I get an interview with Dave Barry and Ridley Pearson, who just released their new Peter Pan book.

Dave Barry! Pulitzer Prize winner!
Ridley Pearson! Best Seller!

How cool is this?

If you want to read the interview, go here: www.popsyndicate.com

Anyway, I have a problem with the WGN thing. They sent me a tape of the program on MP3, but they sent one hour of the show. I only need my ten minutes of fame.

Anyone know how to cut out just a bit of an MP3?

Where's a teen when you need one?

Norm

http://www.fangface.homestead.com

Norm Cowie on WGN Radio

2009-10-18T07:36:00.002-05:00

Wow! That was fun ... terrifying ... exciting ...

I just finished my interview by Rick Kogan for his program, "The Sunday Papers" on WGN radio.

WGN. 38 states!

And Canada.

Especially Canada.

Now a whole new country heard of me ... that is, anyone who happened to be up at 7:15 in the morning and tuned in to WGN.

But that's still a bunch (defined legally as more than eleven).

Anyway, I have to leave soon for my book release at Centuries and Sleuths.

Woo-hoo!

(They are sending me a tape of the show, so I'll post it some time soon).

Norm

http://fangface.homestead.com

Pop!

2009-10-12T21:47:00.003-05:00

Just thought I'd pop in here to drink a pop. No, pop a balloon. No, eat a Pop Tart. Be a pop.

Forget the pops!

Jeez.

(pop goes the weasel).

Shaddup!

(sigh)

-breathing hard-

Okay, sorry about that. I just dropped in ...

(cuz he's been ignoring his site lately)

I said, shaddup!

(sorry)

Anyway, I haven't posted in a bit ...

(you haven't been working on your book much, either)

I said, ...

(interrupts: I know, I know, shaddup).

Right. Thanks.

( - silence- )

Good. Anyway, here are a couple cool things going on. First, I contacted best sellers Dave Barry and Ridley Pearson, co-authors of a Peter Pan series, and they are going to do an interview for my Pop Syndicate column.

(hah! another Pop)

Grrr....

(er, I mean, pretty cool)

Thanks.

And better than that, my official book release party is coming up! If you're anywhere near Chicagoland, come join author Kate Gingold and me at our combined book signing at Centuries and Sleuths Bookstore at 7419 W. Madison in Forest Park, Il. at 2:00. Ph 708-771-7243.

Wear costumes!

(or come naked)

Yeah, that's okay.

Norm

http://fangface.homestead.com

Christopher ... FREAKING ... Moore

2009-09-23T20:33:00.001-05:00

My interview with Christopher Moore is up on Pop Syndicate!

Here's the link ... author guy

Toothy Girl Scouts

2009-09-23T19:51:00.003-05:00

"What's the difference between a girl and a boy," I asked the dozen bright eyed Girl Scouts on a Monday evening a couple days ago.

They started giggling.

"I mean," I continued, "besides the fact you go into different restrooms."

More giggling.

"Boy Scouts wouldn't schedule a meeting when Monday Night Football is on," I finished.

But it was cool. Really cool.

I was giving a presentation to a Girl Scout troop.

I lucked into because I just happened to be hanging around in a store they were having an Amazing Race in. A bunch of girls would burst through the doors, one would sit on one side of a small screen and another on the other. Then they had to match two dozen socks by description alone.

While watching, I thought, "hey, I need more coffee."

Oops, wrong thought. I mean, I thought it, but that's not the one relevant to this post. What I actually thought was, "hey, teenaged girls. That's my reading audience!"

Fang Face was still two months from release, but it wasn't too early to start drumming up opportunities.

So I asked the lady manning, er, womaning the sock match race who the kids were. She said they were Girl Scouts.

Huh, didn't recognize them without the cookies.

Anyway, I gave her my card, and asked her to let me know if they might be interested in an author coming out to meet with them. She took it, and said, "Sure, maybe."

A couple weeks later, I received an email, "remember me? I was running the Girl Scout Amazing Race.

Of course I remembered her.

Anyway, she went on to say that 100 Girl Scout leaders were going to have their last meeting of the year, and they would give me five minutes to make a pitch.

Five minutes? Hah, no problem. I talk at the speed of ten minutes per five minutes. In other words, I can fit ten minutes worth of talking into five minutes, with twenty seconds to spare.

So I did, and they liked it. Enough that they invited me to stick around the rest of the night and have some hamburgers with them, so any leaders that want to follow up could ask any more questions they might have.

A month later, I had my first Girl Scout gig. Troop # 418.

Did you know there is a writing badge? Me, neither.

It was cool. I got to listen as they said their pledge, and then I was on. For an hour i talked with them about writing, getting published, my own book and how to make what they write interesting and then I handed out some glow in the dark fangs.

Afterwards, almost all of them lined up to buy Fang Face and get their picture taken with me. They were, of course, wearing their fangs.

Awesome.

Hopefully later I can get my hands on the picture. In the meantime, um ... just try and imagine it.

And I need to look up the Boyscouts. After all, Fang Face is for both girls and boys.

Norm

http://fangface.homestead.com

Something stupid, short

2009-09-14T21:50:00.001-05:00

"Write," Amanda commanded.
"I don't want to," Gus whined.
"Now, write here," she instructed, pointing.
"No."
"You'll regret it if you don't," she said, not letting up at all.
Gus turned the radio up, trying in vain to ignore her.
"Okay, write now!" she said, dark eyes glinting dangerously.
"Fine," he growled, and turned right.

Norm

Presenting Fang Face

2009-09-11T14:31:00.002-05:00

I'm going to repost Regan Black's introduction to Fang Face from the Teen Seen blog, cuz she did it so well ... thanks Regan! ... here goes:

Presenting Fang Face by Norm Cowie

Fresh from Echelon Press for September is Fang Face by Norm Cowie:

"Hilarious, lightning-paced, and as sharp about high school as a bite to the throat. I loved this book, fangs and all." - James Rollins, New York Times bestseller of Jake Ransom and the Skull King's Shadow.

From the back cover:
Erin has bigger worries than how she’ll do on her Trig Final.
A vampire bit her and she’s turning into an Undead.
Things could be worse, though. It cleared her complexion, she can fly and now her parents have to let her go out at night. And being a vampire is great for freaking out her little sister. The downside? … besides being dead, of course … and having to drink blood smoothies … was having to give up tanning and pizza.
And with her new edgy Goth look, jet-black hair and porcelain skin, everyone tells Erin that she’s become beautiful. So much so that the other girls in school have started calling her names…like ‘Fang Face.’
Erin wouldn’t mind checking her new look for herself. But as everyone knows…
Vampires can't see their reflections!

And here's an excerpt from between the book covers:

Alex bolted upright from a sound sleep, her heartbeat beating out a manic drum solo.

What was that? Was it real? Was it part of her dream?

There was thumping on the stairs and running footsteps in the hallway.
"Alex? Erin?" her mom called, her voice filled with anxiety.

Well okay, then. It was real.

"Girls!"

"Mom!" Alex squeaked.

The door burst open and a bright light slashed into her room followed closely by her mother. Her mom looked pumped full of the surge of adrenaline mothers use to lift cars off their offspring. Her face relaxed when she saw there wasn't a Toyota on her daughter.

"I'll check Erin," her father said as he tore past the door, a huge gleaming sword in his hand, chain armor rattling in his haste.

Not really, it was a Louisville Slugger and he was wearing pajamas.

He disappeared and a moment later they heard his squeak of horror.

Yeah, yeah, if you asked him, he would deny it was a squeak. He would say it was a grunt or some other manly noise. Uh, huh.

Her mother looked back at the doorway in alarm. Seeing Alex was safe, Beth commanded, "Stay here," and then bolted down the hallway.

Three seconds later there was a woman's scream. Her mother this time. Either that or Dad was trying to get in touch with his feminine side.

Alex froze, her mind spinning. She had been told to stay put, so like any teenager, she did what she was told without question.

Um...right.

What really happened was she jumped up and crept toward her sister's room. The door was wide open and light streamed into the hallway.

She sneaked a peek around the corner and gasped.

Erin was sprawled on her bed, eyes open and staring. Twin streams of blood pumped from puncture wounds near her jugular.

Want to read more? Like your own copy of the whole book right now?!?!!

The reviewers have spoken:
"This book sucks ... in a most delightful way! Norm Cowie's latest is boy-meets-girl-meets-vampire-meets-wow. Don't miss this gem." - Shane Gericke, National Bestselling thriller author

"FANG FACE made me laugh, and I'm not a Teen. Or perhaps I am, but I'm trapped in a grown-up's body.”- Raymond Benson, author of James Bond, The Union Trilogy

Mr. Cowie, I mean, Norm speaks to being an author...

The best part of writing is it feeds my freak. A writer is a bit of a control freak. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. I decide who farts, who bites whom, and it’s up to me what a vampire is like. Does he sparkle in the sunlight? Does he need a straw to suck blood? Does he need SPF eight billion?

The worst part of writing is what I like to call, ‘the other writing.’ Extra curricular writing, like blogs. Anything that takes me away from writing fun stories. I even begrudge ‘Twitter.’ I’d much rather write a story than write about writing stories.

The craziest part of being a writer is signing stuff. I love graffiti’ing all over a book. I was always taught that we should respect and take care of a book. But now, people want me to write on a book … even better … they want me to write something weird or crazy. And I want to sign other stuff, like body parts. I know of a case where one of best-selling author Christopher Moore’s fans had one of his books tattooed onto her leg. Then she came to one of his signings and he autographed her leg. Then she had his autograph tattooed onto her leg. I want that!

What's next for Norm and his readers?

What else? A sequel. Fang Face ends a bit on a cliff hanger, though most issues are resolved in the first. I’m busy working on its sequel, WereWoof. Yep, werewolves, kinda, sorta. Count on more biters and more fun.

Thanks, Norm!

Find Norm here on Teen-Seen or at his website or the fang place blog!

Fang Face is out! Funny vampire stuff!

2009-09-02T20:49:00.005-05:00

Imagine being bitten by a vampire. Held in a trance, helpless as fangs slide into your neck.

Then the vampire burps.

That's kinda what you get when you read Fang Face, a vampire humor book for young adults.

"I loved this book, fangs and all." Best selling author James Rollins

"Fang Face made me laugh." James Bond author Raymond Benson

"This book sucks ... in a most delightful way. Don't miss this gem.." Shane Gericke, national bestselling author

It's out! Fang Face is out! Get yourself some fang!

Or buy one for your kid, your grandkid, your wife, mother, cousin, uncle, godson, father ...

It's mostly a teen book, but almost anyone can read it.

Here's where you can get your own biter book:

Amazon - http://www.amazon.com/Fang-Face-Norm-Cowie/dp/1590806204

Echelon/Quake (also on ebook!) - http://quakeme.com/direct/buy-nc-ff.htm

My website (autographed copies!) - http://fangface.homestead.com/orderinginfo.html

Norm